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Reviewer: Haia Signed [Report This]
Date: 21/03/09 - 11:07 pm Title: The Players of a World Unkind

This is really good,
I mean, really good. I found the beginning to be....entrancing. :) It was overall really really good.
I did notice one mistake, not sure if it was pointed out yet though...
"...and causes her to chiver..." put a 's' in shiver.
I think it is just a typo, happens. ;))

Author's Response: I thought this was one of those stories that people just kind of looked over. Thank you for reviewing! Entrancing? That is the best complement I've gotten for this. Thank you so much! And I will fix the mistake as soon as I'm done here. Namarie!

Reviewer: Charli800 Signed [Report This]
Date: 22/11/08 - 06:50 pm Title: The Players of a World Unkind

Of course I will beta for you. (Imagine saying no after all that!) I'm going to need an email address from you though, so that I can send you stories with my comments added. If your real name is go the address and you don't want to share it, you could create an account under your penname with gmail or similar (how mine works). Then you can email me your next fic before posting it, or ask me for an in depth look at one of those already up. I can only be online again on Monday, though. Tomorrow's hectic! C

Reviewer: Charli800 Signed [Report This]
Date: 22/11/08 - 05:49 pm Title: The Players of a World Unkind

Corrections:
strangeled - strangled
neither would she heed - nor would she heed
not ever - never

This is an interesting reflective piece. The religious overtones are good.
Your third person/first person flips were a bit abrupt.My preference is too have her thoughts expressed in the third person, but there are several ways of dealing with that issue.

Can silence really echo? It sounds dramatic for a moment and then it sounds a little silly. Be careful witht hings like that.

I liked the list of players, but I don't understand why it's at the end. Those lists are usually put at the beginning of a piece. Also be wary of 'thing'. It's an ugly word.

You don't have very much of a plot here, but a story can be plotless without being pointless, so that's not necessarily the end of the world, I would add more history to the story to make up for that, but again that is one way of dealing with an issue and there are many other ways of doing the same thing. The keyword here is contextualise. You're just a tad too abstract. I think you've even confused yourself when, within her heart, a knife stabs into her heart ;-).

Okay, now I've concritted I will say I think it's a really nice idea, but that it might have been even better if it was fleshed out a bit more. I particularly liked the bible references.

Happy writing,
Charli

PS Get a beta! I will not give you rest on this issue, so sooner or later you will be more annoyed with me than you are unsure about beta readers.

Author's Response: I know thing is an ugly word but for the life of me I couldn't think of a different one! Arg! Writer's block! Duh! Ai, I can be dumb. All right. Betas. Do you want to be my beta? I really do need help and I think you could really do that for me. I guess I do come across as nervous and I am sometimes. I think you really know what you're doing and I look up to people like that, so please help me. I will be so grateful to you if you would. Thanks. I'll be waiting for your answer.

Reviewer: Ar-feiniel Signed [Report This]
Date: 22/11/08 - 03:08 pm Title: The Players of a World Unkind

Loved it! Best one yet!

* Claps *

Darkness and torture rule!

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you *bows* It just came to me. My muse was definitely with me last night when I wrote it.

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