This seems like a huge improvement over "A Walk in Mirkwood." You wrote it carefully and have developed the characters and setting well. I would recommend that you get a human beta, however, because there are places where spellcheck is betraying you (for example, sometime and everyday instead of some time and every day, or awe and eve instead of aw and eave).
If you're worried about writing a Mary Sue, I'd recommend taking one of the on-line Sue tests, then changing any character qualities that make it score high.
Finally, do you want other authors to contribute to this story? Right now you have it posted as a round robin.
Good luck with the story!
Author's Response: Thank you for your Constructive Criticism!rnI will make the changes accordingly!rnIt was my first actual Fanficrn:DrnrnUm.rnWell a is that what a Round Robin for?rnim sorry im fairly new at all of this.
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All the best.