I liked it, a little bit rushed, you could have stretched it out a little longer but good nonetheless. An interesting choice of setting as well, not one I would have considered. Is this the rewritten version or . . ? Thanks for the interesting read - Taeliwren
This story had such potential in the beginning, but as soon as you got to the sex scene, I lost interest. It did not have the same flow or way of grabbing the reader. You stopped SHOWING and started TELLING, and when an author does that in a sex scene, it is rather boring. We all know peg A fits in Slot B, so how cna you make us want to read your version? There are a lot of POV changes that are jarring and take away greatly. You really rush. I think if you were to spend more time on this, you could make the whole thing flow as well as the beginning. Put us in their mind, let us feel what they feel. Don't just tell us this happened, then that happened. That isn't good story telling.