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Reviewer: belkar bitterleaf Signed [Report This]
Date: 10/01/08 - 08:55 pm Title: How it began

Haha, time off from homework does you good, less boring that way too. : ) I like the lack of detail, weather doen on purpose or accident; it makes you eager to read the next enstallment. Even so it's a bit short, maybe the next shorter could be longer? Just a suggestion.
Please don't leave as you said you may, I see alot of potential in your writing - sorry that sounded quite hypocryitical as I haven't long since joined but I couldn't think of another way to say it -
Don't stop writing!

Author's Response: Heya, thanks for the comment. The next part will be longer but my Geography homework prevented me from makinrnit longer! lol. I will carry on writing! Anyway better carry on with my ICT work. The teacher keeps walking round!rnTake care! Trinity-Rose

Reviewer: xFanarix Signed [Report This]
Date: 09/01/08 - 08:27 pm Title: Introduction

Well done for posting a '' First ''. It does sound more like an '' off topic '' story, however, as Phoenix , Angel etc are not Tolkien. It could be an original fiction, I think and does not need to be set in Middle-earth. They are basically too powerful to join with the Fellowship, and would just take it over which is simply not a good thing. The Fellowship moved in secrecy and with stealth, not with three powerful females, there is just no right way to write that. And I have to agree about the clothing; Eowyn went into battle in Rohirric armor, which was probably pretty heavy and uncomfertable; no female warrior would wear a skirt and corset, it is simply not practical for anything. However as an original fic in your own invented world, you could make a good story around the characters. Take care!

Author's Response: Heya thanks for commenting, this group wont bejoining the fellowship, for some reason my computer had a hissy fit and put down 'The fellowship' instead of 'original character'. Thanxz for the points!Trinity-Rose

Reviewer: Anwyn Signed [Report This]
Date: 09/01/08 - 08:06 pm Title: Introduction

Hey there bloodsunrise, welcome to the site! I saw your message that this is your first fanfiction and good for you for taking that step :) If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions on your story just to consider. Firstly, I realize that that this is just the first chapter of your story but it seems to read more like a character sheet for an RPG than a story in the sense its telling us about the characters apperance a great deal but not giving more. You could have incoperated it into a chapter if you were to, for example (Of your character pheonix) "Pheonix walked along the well worn path in the woods, the sun glinting off her fiery red hair as her blue eyes searched the trees" Something like that, you are telling us about her which is fine but it is more intresting to learn about her through the process of a story. Also, while Tolkien created many strange and wonderful creatures for his Middle Earth there were no Pheonix's or Angels, There were the great eagles and the Maia which I personally view as somewhat angelic but no great firebirds and "Angels" Also, all of your characters described her sound like they are Mary sues and there are a few tell tale signs and while you are free to write as you wish of course and I am only giving some guidance I hope you at least consider this. Some of the traits I have noticed is that all of your characters are beatiful, perfect and female warriors with swords and the case of Pheonix, magical powers such as the control of fire, that is another mary sue trait in that there were not that many "magical" beings on Middle Earth. Also, you described at some length the clothing of your characters which is very impratical though it may seem "sexy" A warrior who wears a coresette and high slit skirt, for all the good it may do them they may as well rush into battle completely naked, though again its your call, Its just a personal peeve that I see quite a few women in middle earth wearing corsettes and I seriously doubt they excisted and even if they did corsettes are meant to give shape *under* a dress, not comprise the entire outfit itself. Also when you use the term "looks like an Elf" I find that incredibly vague, as there are some physical differences between a mortal woman and elleth reading the story I would like to know if I was standing there looking at Pheonix *How* I would know she is an Elf and not a mortal woman. On that same note, please do not just say "She looks like an Elf becuase she has pointy ears" there is a great deal more than that, and if you wish to pursue that than I suggest you do your research. I have noticed that you list the "Fellowship" as other characters in the story and if the plot involves your three characters joining the fellowship on their quest then I ask you label the story as "AU" as most people avoid "Tenth Walker" stories or in this case it would be 3 additional walkers assuming all 3 of these characters joining and it goes completely against canon in so many ways and it is an impossible scenerio yet a common one strangely considering that the quest of the Ring was one of such importance that the idea that Gandalf would let just anyone they meet along the road join them is completely laughable and unrealistic.

Those are just some thoughts, Best of luck to you :)

Author's Response: Heya,thanks for all the points I could use. My characters wont be joining the fellowship, they may meet them but they wont join them. As for the corset, i think i said it was a corset like top,instead of an a real corset. Thanks for taking the time to readand reviewing.Take care. Trinity-Rose

Reviewer: belkar bitterleaf Signed [Report This]
Date: 09/01/08 - 08:03 pm Title: Introduction

OOOOOO! I feel the beginings of a saga of some large story coming! Is this some a guide to different original charcters you have created.

Author's Response: Heya, Thanks for commenting.The introduction was just a way to introduce the characters.The new chapter is the startof the story! Trinity-Rose

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