Wow. I just discovered this story, and it is beautiful! You have a gift with words, my dear. I look forward to more chapters about little Dia! Your writing lulls me into a dreamy state-- and I am there with Dia and Namo, and I see what is taking place. Very good job. One thing that I would suggest though is maybe slowing down a bit. Every chapter has so much packed into it, I feel as though you may benefit from slowing it down. But that is just me. Your story is wonderful, please keep writing!
Author's Response: I usually put far more narration and descriptions when I write in french, but I admit I tend to be lazier in english ; or, sometimes, I juste don't have the words to put more flesh around bones. I'll try to make more efforts concerning this, though : it will be a good exercize. Thanks for reading ^^
Oh, I have been thinking of this story recently and wondering how you were (I am Fanari, I changed my name) Still think this is unusual and lovely. Good to see that you are working on it again.
Author's Response: I'm well ^_^ I spent a bit of time away from Tolkien... and actually thought of this fic when I stumbled on yours on the Silm Guild. I was impressed by what I had written, so it's a dare now : I want to prove myself I'm still able to write as I did XD
This remains one of the most unusual works I have ever read - in a good way - and I think your style of writing it is very apt for it. It just has that mystical quality; the Ainur come across as what they are, different to Elves or Men. Good luck with RL and the next chapter.
Your writing always makes me feel dreamlike, - I don't mean tired, lol. It has that mystical, not-quite-real quality which goes amazingly well with who Dia is and dealing with the Ainur.
[ You may wish to amend * shinning * to shining ] Don't worry, since I upgraded Firefox, I keep having to go and amend my chapters, as the typo's come up underlined in red now.
Author's Response: Your Firefox does correct english ? Lucky one ! Mine is in french and does NOT want to switch to any other language. rnWell, if I only have one mistake (which I doubt), then it's better than what I thought. Mistake corrected !rn
This is extremely compelling, and so mystical, I've never read anything like it before, and I'm more than glad you decided to publish your story on a site. It's an epic theme and you have the mind to encompass that. Love the ending too, and the poetry in your writing.
I'm really wowed by the ambitious scope of your story and I'm enjoying it a lot so far. I'm also as impressed as hell that you're writing this in a non-native language. WOW! You have several irregular verb issues that leaped out at me, however.
Yet it was strangely thin, laying far under the song itself
should be lying
they stayed seated until Annatar raised again and went to watch
should be roused or rose
Then he turned and went back with those he leaded
should be led
« I would ! Twice now thou were my Annatar, and I thank thee. »
This one I'm not sure of, but I think it should be wert
« Dost thou think you may rest under the lamps ? »
You use both thou and you in this sentence.
I agree with xFanarix, by the way, that your concept of the understream is great and very appropriate seeming for the Ainur.
Author's Response: How, bad irregular verb ! Which I'm supposed to know since years (but as I am not a good student, I tend to forget them right after having learned the list T_T).rnrnI corrected all the mistakes you pointed out, and I thank you for your help. You are all helping me greatly for this story !
I like the dreamlike, mystical writing of their thoughts and feelings very much, it's certainly not anything I've tackled, the Ainur themselves.
I really am enjoying it.
Like Nazgrrl I would say just be careful with the modern terms, as it does jar. It is only a couple of instances, but just think of the Silmarillion and how Tolkien wrote it and you can't go wrong.
This ' understream ''. Love it, extremely esoteric, and it fits excellently . Take care!
Author's Response: I really did not knew how to describe the "understream", which is kind of a melting between humain unconscious part of the spirit, and the orė of the Ainur. Finally I just abandonned and created some word which might fit, it was easier than to describe everything. "Innerstream" would also work, maybe even better than "understream", especially when the Ainur will take bodies.rnrnThank your for your comments and take care,rnAurwendė
grand, not grant
In the middle, when Dia and the rest go down, the modern language really upsets the idea of the story. They wouldn't have used words like "sucked" or phrases like "bored to the bones." We read along, and all of a sudden, *bam* back to the modern world, and the seriousness of the story is gone.
However, this is a beautiful story, and I am really enjoying it.
Author's Response: Thank you for the criticis, I'll try to find something more accurate for these parts. The "bored to the bones" might be the wrongest part of it, because Dia had no bones at all at this time. rnrnThe "it sucked" part is now replaced with this one :rn"What had Dia expected, she did not know ; but surely she was hoping for more. If her form had been physical, her heart would have sunk from disappointment alone. Yet she seemed to be the only one to appear so disenchanted with the newly born Arda. "rnI'm not sure about the "sunk" there : would it have been "sank" instead ?rnrnI also corrected the paragraphe which followed :rn"And it was true she was the only one. Only few discussions were needed to set everyone at work, including an overzealous Annatar. Dia was just feeling again like the Smallest, unuseful and unable to do anything at all. She was finding, minutes after minutes, that there was just nothing for her to do : everyone was gone to its own task and her, feeling she had no part to take in the shaping of the world, could not figure out of a task to take. Soon she wondered why she had left her Father ; so bored was she, she actually fell asleep right where she was, and thus invented the mere act of sleeping. "rnA few other minor corrections were made in the Great Music part. rnrnI hope it is better now and that the vocabulary isn't too repetitiv ; I sometimes lack synonyms for words who come often, like "light", and for this chapter, "bored". Aw. I really need to remember were I put my dico T_TrnrnThank you for reviewing, your comments were really helpful,rnAurwendė
Wow, that was great!
You have a dreamy way of writing this, and it really does seem as if the story happened outside of time!
Author's Response: Thank you very much !rnrnIt is probably THE big problem when you try to write about the Ainur before Arda is made : we know they communicate, but did they already had words ? And one thing we are sure is that they were not physicals. I imagined them as great clouds of lights, but "to see" did not exist yet : there was only "sounds".rnSo, well... clouds of sounds of light. rnrnThank you reviewing. Chapter 2, Ėa ! may soon be posted ^^