I felt this may have been a little rushed, I don't feel I'm really getting to connect with her. Also she seemed very self assured and confident upon their first meeting, however this could just be her personality. Otherwise though I still like the idea of this story and hope to continue reading
Interesting start, I'll be interested in seeing where this goes. I would suggest though, putting spaces in between paragraphs and when a new character starts speaking, it helps readers follow along.other than that, great start!
very good im glad you updated!
Author's Response: And i am working on 27 hopefully i'll have it up before the weekend :D it's kinda filler, but I think those little things kinda make it you know?
Aww man, god doggit that is a tear jerker. Geez I was all excited a little Leggy beby running around would have been so cute! great story though, Plz update soon. Galu a teithad vain - Good fortune and fair writing
DUDE NO WAY! I said this aloud as I read this. This story is great. Keep up the Awesome work. Plz Plz let the baby and Alex live! Anor calatha erin râd lîn
Author's Response: Glad I got the shock value going :D i love it. I know Alex will live, HOW she will live i'm not sure. and the baby.... I'll know when she tells me. lol
This is constantly getting better and better with each chapter and I fully agree that it is great to see a strong female character placed with the Fellowship.
Side note: Yes I knew about chapters 5 & 6 being like Chapter 4, but it was easier for me to write them from the Characters POV, especially since the Book-Verse is pretty much set in stone so to speak. (All I did was tweak it enough for an OC to be placed in! :D)
Keep up the fantastic work and I look forward to more chapters.
This is a fantastically written Movie-verse Story, and even better when you place a fellow Wiccan into it. I love the way you are developing Alexandra, keep up the great job!
Author's Response: OH! I'm so glad you like it! A couple of my first reviewers didn't seem to like it, and I'm so glad to hear that you feel it's "Fantastically written"! More chapters are on their way today!
I love this story...keep up the great work. One question though...do I detect a spark of something between Legolas and Alex? Can't wait for the next chappie, mellon nin.
Author's Response: There possibly is something between them, I'm NOT entirely sure. I'm trying to stay away from the OC and Leggy fall in love thing. but She's drawn to him, and who wouldn't he's an ELF?!
I like this story so far. I want to know what happens to Alexandria and if she ever makes it back home. Please don't stop this story. I think it has a lot of potential.
You need to go in and separate the paragraphs. Jordan, you have a big block of text which is hard to read for a lot of people.
There is one thing. Copying the lines from the movie is just really..wrong. You should really rewrite what happens from your character's point of view. The trouble is every-one has seen the films and no-one needs to have the script repeated. it's something I can't really believe people do. It's like me getting the book and writing myself into every other line. Instead of copying the script, why not write something like:
For one moment Gandalf held to the ledge and then his fingers began to slip from the stone. His last words were ground out as an order, bidding them to flee. Then his hold failed and he was gone, falling into the abyss. Cries of horror and denial echoed from the stone of Khazad-dûm.
You still have the scene but it is your own writing and no-one will accuse you of plagiarism. Good luck.
I really want to help and no writer copies some-one else's material word for word, although we all borrow from Tolkien in fanfic, we do it with our own words and stories.
If you don't mind me commenting ? I think your story would sound better written in past tense all the way through; she settles into the couch, turning on her laptop to me would sound smoother as She settled into her couch and turned on the laptop . That might be just my preference, however.
I see from your bio you could not read Tolkien or found it hard? Well...it would be worth trying if you are going to write about Elves. Your OFC is referring to them as Men! Elves were the most beautiful of Eru's creations. The most stunning supermodel of this time would not compare to an Elf in beauty, so even if your OFC knew nothing about Tolkien;'s Elves, she would realize that they were not men. She would be completely dumbfounded by them, even more than waking up to a strange world. They need a lot more description and her reaction should be commensurate with the awe that she feels. Take no notice of the humans actors used to portray Elves in the films, PJ had to use what he could get and Elves were not around.
Just be cautious about making her a Sue. No you won't be flamed for it on this site, but people will try ( nicely ) to steer you away from creating one. Original female characters can be written without them falling into the Sue/self insert trap, just make her have faults and not be superbly gorgeous. Even if she was she would still not measure up to an Elf. And the amount of times in canon that an ellon ( elf male ) has fallen in love with a Mortal Woman is once, which is why modern-female-falls-into-Middle-earth-and-Legolas-falls-in-love-with-her stretch the imagination too far. He and other Elves would I am sure be courteous and kind enough but Legomances,Haldirmances etc are just unbelievable. Plus they are far too common, check out FF.net. Ick.
You are asking people to suspend disbelief in any story, but you have simply dived straight into the OFC having powers which frankly, most people in the modern world don't believe in. Wiccan spells/beliefs, yes - but this... She was a telekinetic, and could control plant life.
Show, don't tell. That means write of her doing something , do not just tell the reader she can do it. I'm guilty of that too, but I am beginning to see what critics mean when they say it. It is true. * Show * is much more effective than tell.
I think you need to deepen and explain and flesh out your character more and make her some-one a reader can connect with. As it is she sounds like some-one out of Buffy, but there is no real background or personality to her. Now, a lot of people do this, they are so keen to get into Middle-earth that they hurry. Well, fair enough, you can insert more information about her as you go along. But the first chapter should be a long one - the longest - and be in depth enough to make people want to read more.
I don't know if you are writing a Legomance/Haldirmance but my advice would be to try something more original - perhaps you are - there are some original stories around. However, it's your story. I've seen witch-in-Middle-earth stories too. Now I have to say modern-person-in-Middle-earth is really not my thing at all, but apparently there are some good ones about. The most read story on this site is one, so you could check that out. There are some very well written stories of people going to Middle-earth and just adapting to life there . " In Aragorn's Safekeeping " by Radbooks is a very good one. And if you are going to feature Elves heavily, then I would point you to some stories by Nieriel Raina, Ria and Jael, since they have a really superb grasp on writing as Elves and within Elven culture.