Reviews For Orlando and Hannah
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Title: Chapter 4 Reviewer: owlett Signed
'They were near the last step of the escalators' You need to put "when" at the start of this sentence.
“What” Billy asked. Add a question mark to this to make it a question.
"wandering whether they " I think you mean 'wondering' :)
This is good!

Author's Response: Thank you very much!!! I have been off for a while but getting back in to it..
Date: Apr 02 2009 10:06 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 3 Reviewer: owlett Signed
A few suggestions :) "her fringe statically over her face" This does not make sense. Might want to consider rephrasing this.
"Hannah curled cosy up on him " This also doesnt make sense. You could say something like 'Hannah curled up to him cosily' or 'Hannah curled cosily up to him'.
“Aye nice to see you’re awake from your beauty sleep. Had fun” Hehe thats really funny, but you need a question mark (?) and maybe say 'nice to see you've awoken'.
I'll email you a few more changes I can see for you to make.
Really cool chapter :)
Date: Mar 06 2009 01:37 pm [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Narya Signed
I agree with xFanarix's comments below; nobody has flamed you, it just doesn't happen on this site. Don't, however, give up - though by all means take chapters down for re-editing, this is excellent practice. The more you write, the more you will improve. Good luck.

Author's Response: thank you for the advice. I willbe re editing and so forth. And I am going to let everyone know that my first language is english. I can't look at the computer screen and type at the same time.
Date: Feb 23 2009 11:53 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: xFanarix Signed
I respect you for going back and re-editing. I do it every day.
I did not leave you a flame, and would not. A flame is when people insult you, call you and your story stupid and terrible, they make personal remarks which are hurtful. There are examples of bad flames on
No-one has flamed you, we have just taken the time to tell you to check spelling and to proofread. It is only fair on readers to do this, as no-one would read a published book if it was full of spelling mistakes.

Believe me, I am finding errors, or re-wording things every single day. Some reviewers pick up mistakes for me and tell me, some-one just today, which I did not see even though I read the chapter again and again.

It must be very hard if English is not your first language, but this is an English language site, so people do expect to read good English. I think editing your story will be good practice for you.

A good place to check words and their meanings is At least you can be sure that you are using the correct word.

I am sure you want to improve and write English well, and fanfic is a very good way to practice, so don't think people are flaming you. Flaming is not the same as constructive criticism. Constructive criticism means that some-one will take the time to advise you on how to improve. And people who read and write a great deal are going to pick up spelling errors and incorrect grammar, as we spend a lot of time looking at our own writing, and other people's. If we ignored you and said nothing, we would not be helping you but leaving you to flounder. I am sure your English teacher would not ignore it, as he would want you to improve. It is the same principle here; people are trying to help you, not flame you.
Date: Feb 23 2009 08:44 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Nieriel Raina Anonymous
The purpose of the Review feature is to help you improve! Negative concrit isn't to hurt, but help you improve! I understand it hurts. Believe me, I've had my share of it! However, negative concrit is NOT the same as flaming. Flaming is NEVER tolerated on this site and if you feel you have been flamed, you need to report it to one of us moderators immediately.

I'm sorry you feel that you will stop writing. My comments both private and in your reviews were NOT meant for that purpose at all. However, if you are just writing to let off steam and don't care to spend the time on proper grammar (and I DO understand if English isn't your first language that it can be difficult!), then maybe you should just write it without posting it anywhere.

I'm sorry that you are taking the advice so hard. I really am, but there are rules on this site and such obvious spelling and grammatical issues are against those rules. I do hope you won't stop writing, but perhaps find yourself a beta to give you a hand. You'll find the more you write, the better you'll get at it and the easier and more fun it gets as well. We all start somewhere! *hugs*

PS - if you respond to a review and then delete that review the person who reviewed will NOT see the reply! Replies are NOT mailed to the reviewer, only an alert letting them know there is one here at the site. Better to just delete it without responding.

Author's Response: I understand. Trust me I am not a bad person. I have bad eye sight and it is an old story. I am constantly editing etc. So I just dont want peole deleting it again. Can you give me hints ll ? I can re do it and paste the ideas in grammar and speling.
Date: Feb 23 2009 07:14 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 7 Reviewer: xFanarix Signed
Okay, I will copy one of your paragraphs and try to edit it. Perhaps it would give you an idea of why you need a beta reader - and not just you, every-one does.

That identical seem to be on her face when she looked so far-away away. grief filled her eyes and a lack of feeling fell over her as if she had been bitten by a paralysis bug of mourness and she bit her lip to get a typical emotion back.

You see, this is not understandable.

That identical? Identical basically means 'the same as.' like 'identical twins.' Idential twins look the same. So perhaps you should use a different word?

Grief filled her eyes. - Yes.

and a lack of feeling fell over her as if she had been bitten by a paralysis bug of mourness - A lack of feeling? If she is filled with grief she is not lacking in feeling. Perhaps you mean to say she felt numb as she thought of her parents death? But either she feels numb or she feels grieved, grief is a very intense emotion, so I doubt she would feel lacking in emotion if she felt grief. You need to re-word that.

Mourness is not a word. I am not sure what you mean, unless mournfulness? She would certainly feel mournful.

she bit her lip to get a typical emotion back.
'Typical emotion' again does not fit.
I might say it something like:

Her eyes became distant and darkened with grief, swiftly followed by the numbness that swept over her whenever she thought of her loss. She bit her lip.

Yes, you are right, people definitely can click the back button if they don't like a story, but people are offering you advice also on spelling and grammar.

I am not flaming you for your Sue ( and yes she is one, a tragic past, beautiful, etc ) but it's no crime to write them. It is up to you, however, to check your spelling and wording before posting. A beta reader would help you to re-write this, and if you run it through a spellchecker that would also pick up some typos, although it does not catch everything.

I took a much longer story down completely to re-write it, and I go in to edit my stuff every day, so don't be afraid of doing it.

Author's Response: I am sorry. I am hinking of taking this all down full stop and not writing. it seems everyone is just flaming me. so am i just going to stop writing it full stop.. all i am getting is bad news abotu nothing good at all.
Date: Feb 23 2009 05:23 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Narya Signed
Sorry, the link I posted in my last review didn't work. Try copy pasting this into your browser:

Author's Response: i am sorry this may seem very mary sue.. i like to write more or less all the detail and not just going to the main parts. really just want to write a classic scenario. i thank you dearlyfor your advice and i will tak it in. but i believe if people don't really wan to read just clik away. i am notbeing harash to your advice. i like it. and i appreciate it. if you could, any more hints appreciated.
Date: Feb 21 2009 08:31 am [Report This]
Title: Chapter 1 Reviewer: Narya Signed
OK, I've noticed you've been posting this story for a while and haven't received any reviews, so I thought I'd leave you some feedback. Your OC, Hannah, is nicely written - she comes across as fun and likeable yet na´ve, and you've captured her bond with Billy well (I'd like to see a bit of backstory with these two, some sort of explanation as to how they know each other so well). However, in giving her purple eyes and a tragic past, you're walking a very fine tightrope in terms of Mary-Suedom (if you're not familiar with what this means, follow this link: Some of it won't apply to your character, since you're writing an actor fic, but it should give you a fair idea of what a Mary-Sue is). Also, your grammar needs some work; you keep switching between tenses, and occasionally you use words that don't make sense in context, e.g. I think when you're describing how Orlando "symphonised" with Hannah, you really mean "sympathised." I'd advise you to look for a beta reader; there's a thread on the home page of this site you can check, and also it might be worth searching for one at as that site has a wider reader base and therefore more registered betas.

I'm not being deliberately harsh; I think you've got potential, but there are issues you need to work on. I'd be interested to see how you develop as a writer.

Take care,

Author's Response: I have no intended of copyrighting any ter people work. Like Hannah with purple eyes and a tragic past. i have has this ida for a long time. i am writing it jst for fun and something to do. and i just felt like writing.
Date: Feb 21 2009 08:30 am [Report This]
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