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Reviewer: Anwyn Signed [Report This]
Date: 05/03/09 - 12:21 am Title: 1:Arranged What?

Fanari has already given some truly excellent suggestions for this story but I thought I would chime in and give some of my own.

Now, looking at your first two chapters they are of considerable length and that to me says that you haev a dedication to this story and are eager to tell it, I must say I really like seeing that however there are some aspects to your main character which I am afraid make her a Mary Sue. Truly I hate saying that unless it is your intention for your character to be one but I understand as I also have an OFC it is a perilous path to walk sometimes to not fall into sue-ness.

Your main character Mira is very modern in her behavior as one thing writing a female in middle earth, a mortal one I should say is that they would have behaved very differently and be held to very different standards. Your character Mira would proably not stand to inherit her Fathers land it would go to a male heir and providing there was not one in the picture a close male relation.

Also twenty five would be considered quite past the age a woman should be married in that age as woman would have been considered grown much younger, again, I am addressing mortals only as in the Elven culture matters would have been very different regarding ages and wedding tradidtions. Now a woman would want to be married and her father would only find a suitor befitting of her station wether she be a Noblewoman or Princess, Marriages were NOT made for love but for political reasons and to unite families. It did not mean a couple could not be happy together but they often did not choice each other.

Mira's attitude toward her father would not be considered very becoming of a Noblewoman such as storming out and slamming the door in his face etc, as this comes off as more the behaviors of a spoiled modern day teenager than a noblewoman in her middle twenties.

I do not give them a chance because I want something that their stares wont give me their all lust full pigs I want true love..."

Again her behavior here speaking about truly love strikes me as quite out of place as women would have wanted Husbands who were wealthy and influential and would not have worried so much about 'True Love' in fact that phrase alone seems too modern.

It is diffficult writing a female character in Middle Earth, espically a modern one at that and trust me I understand as I have spent years working at and I am still learning and developing the character. It seem's like you are really pushing to make your character different by having her be free spirited and rather mouthy and rebellious and that she does archery and fights with swords but 99% of the Fic I read with an Original Female Character (OFC) as the lead have a character very similar and you need to really work at making a character who feels like they belong in Middle Earth and then fan out from there.

Women wouldn't have been permitted to ride out alone at will as even in the fourth age Gondor could not be considered completely safe especially for Noblewomen who could be kidnapped and held for randsom and countless other thing but not only do you have your character riding out into the forest alone you have her sneaking off to do archery and carrying a weapon when Women in Middle Earth except perhaps for those of Rohan who were taught to fight ONLY as a very last defense if the men were not around to help them but otherwise it would not be something Noble Women would have a hand in.

Gimli son of Gloin, an annoying friend of Legolas's but no matter what species the dwarf may be


I am not sure why but Dwarfs, Gimli specifically, always get the short stick in Fanfic and for no reason you have referred to Gimli as rather rudely, Why? I ask becuase no where in the books does it refer to the Dwarves as the Jesters, well, again, only Gimli, they became in the movie. Now I am not a huge fan of Dwarves but I feel they deserve respect all the same and I stumbled over that line.

She was young, the age of 25 and wanted by nearly every un married man in the city.

Again, twenty five would not be considered young depending on the expected life span, I am not sure what that was for women in Gondor but it was said that Rohirrim often lived well into their eighties so I imagine Gondor would be on par if not slightly higher than that.

It is another warning sign of a sue when the character is lusted after by everyone and you make several references to her being lusted after by every male she meets. It is also intresting as you mentioned it was only unmarried men that wanted her, married men are still able to feel lust and there were in more of a posistion where they could have an affair and not have anything said of it.

People flatter her by saying she had the beauty of a female elf, but she would always deny it, she wasn't vain at the slightest, and felt awkward when people complemented her beauty because she was more bothered about peoples personality then looks,most of the time anyway.She had a slim figure and fit physique. Her breasts were at a guess a good hand ful maybe more so. In height she was around, 5"6.

Couple things there, firstly as Fanari has already pointed out you would not confuse a female mortal for an Elleth, period. There is simply no comparing the two, that is like comparing an apple to a pineapple and by 'people' that is very broad and I don't think many mortals would have seen an Elf by this time in the fourth age and so I strongly doubt they woud have anything to compare Mira too.

Well I generally enjoy a description of a character so that I can built a mental image in my mind giving her built as atheletic/slim/chubby seems unneeded in a story such as giving her height as 5'6, That kind of a detail would be better suited for a character sheet as it disrupts the flow of the story and a woman in Middle Earth would not know her height in feet in inches though I am sure there were different units of measurement it is not an important detail and could easily be scrapped and the very same goes for describing your characters breast sized, It is utterly unneeded as really the reader does not want to know that and it is completely ackward really.

Those are just some suggestions regarding your character and I hope you find them useful and also you do have quite a few grammar errors that I noticed without looking too hard for them as they are quite obivious so if you have a word processor you may want to run your story though there before posting (Mine points out grammatical errors for me as well as spelling errors) You would benefit from a Beta reader who is a person who reads the story and picks out any mistakes in Grammar and the like.

Hope this has helped you, All the best.

Anwyn

Author's Response: Thanks for the advice, I know I am not the best at this, and maybe should of thought this through, I guess I should change my character a bit, but I think I might have to take a break and study this a lot more before I edit it completly. I wanted and age when she at leasts looks the same age as Legolas and maybe I might change the whole story. This is my first one I have put a lot of dedication to so I will keep your advice in mind for when I come back to this.Thanks Anarne.

Reviewer: xFanarix Signed [Report This]
Date: 04/03/09 - 11:46 am Title: 1:Arranged What?

Well, I think you have the makings of a good storyteller. You began with a kind of prologue which allows the reader to know when the story is set - in this case after the war of the Ring. That's good, because I for one like to feel grounded in the time and the place.

You are having trouble with run on sentences though.

It had been several long peaceful years ,three in fact, since the ring of Sauron was finally destroyed and his armies fled or diminished in the collapse of Barad dur, since the famous fellowship had reunited at the end of the great war, to see the crowning of the King of men, son of Arathorn and ex ranger of the north. Aragorn Elessar.

That is one sentence and could be broken down a little. It had been three years since the One Ring had been destroyed, and Sauron's armies fled or diminished in the collapse of Barad-dûr. (full stop ) In the summer after Sauron's defeat, Aragorn, descendant of Elendil, was crowned king in the city of Minas Tirith.

Calling him *the* King of Men does not really fit, after all Eomer of Rohan was a king, and there were no doubt lands in the Harad and Rhun where men held the title of 'king'.

You also switch tenses

People flatter her It should be *flattered* her, past tense, by saying she had the beauty of a female elf, but she would always deny it, she wasn't vain at the slightest, and felt awkward when people complemented her beauty because she was more bothered about peoples personality then looks,most of the time anyway.

Since few Mortals look as beautiful as Elves, and that is a very run-on sentence anyway, maybe you could re-word it. 'She had sometimes been compared to an Elf-woman, but only by those who had surely never seen an Elf.'

I think some of the writing is very modern for Middle-earth, and you are trying too hard to make this woman flawless and special, so much so that she is a real Mary Sue. She is supposed to look as beautiful as an Elf, she also uses weapons, which few women did in Middle-earth.Why would she be trained in weaponry if she was a noblewoman? She might learn hawking, or archery for hunting, yes.

There are times you slip in modern words like 'office' - if you want to use a term meaning a room where some-one does business, use the word study or solar, which is an old word for a private room in a castle. You did use study later on, and it sounds much better.

You refer to her dress as Grecian in style, but Middle-earth is supposed to be set 6-9,000 years ago, so a long time before ancient Greece and no-one there would know what Grecian was.
You used the word 'bombshell' which is also modern.

Mainly you need a beta to check your sentences and tenses and sometimes you use the wrong words.

Legolas and him had a unusual but strong friendship. - He and Legolas had a strong, if unusual, friendship.

her lips peirced in a straight line... Pierced lips sounds like she actually has piercings through them. and she stopped all movement . Perhaps, and she went quite still. but the offensive thoughts ( I don't think 'offensive' fits ) swirling round her head like a tempest reached tipping point breaking point.

On the home-page you can ask for some-one to beta for you. You have the potential to tell a story, but you need to break up your sentences a little, and to check that words you are using really mean what you think they do in the context in which you are placing them. Dictionary.com is handy for checking that. Just type it into your search engine.

Elvish - there is no point in using it unless you know what it means. If you write it but don't provide a translation, how will any-one else know what the words mean?

Hisweloke is a very good English-Sindarin dictionary, (Just type it into your search ) but unless you know Sindarin well, it's better not use it much.

You probably know about Sue's, but if you toned the OFC down a bit, you might avoid it, and whether you want to write a Sue or not is really up to you, anyway. However, people are actually attractive and nice to know even if they are not incredibly beautiful and slim and good at everything. Elves, being surrounded by beauty, are more likely to love some-one for their personality than their looks. Look at Lúthien - the most beautiful child of Elves or Men ever to live. When she saw Beren he must have looked a fright: dirty, ragged, unshaven and doubtless smelled terrible! - but she loved him and gave up her immortality for him. You see what I mean?

I think you have not had reviews as your summary is not written in correct English. The rules on this site state you must use proper English and if your English is rocky, a beta is vital. Unless people are not good at English themselves, they won't want to read a story written in incorrect English.

I looked at the story ( although I do not like het Legomances ) but at least this is not a Tenth Walker, so that's good. If you had made her an Elf even better, since you can get away with speaking about Elves being beautiful - they all are. Elf-Mortal romances are pretty much doomed, however, and I don't buy them. Elves can be re-born, Mortal's cannot, so once their Mortal lover is dead they literally mourn forever. Very unfair on the Elf, don't you think?

I really recommend you find a beta, as if you had a good one, you could improve this a great deal. You have the ideas and obviously like writing, it just needs to be disciplined and polished. Your English needs correcting, but if you have a good beta, and you keep writing, that will improve.

Author's Response: Thank you for the help and advice, I know I needed some help, sometimes I get a bit carried away with my descriptions when I am typing and foget punctuation so that is false of habit,but I hope to improve.The reason for the elvish thing is that some sites I go on for translations strangly are the same as latin terms especially when I want to write long sentences. I know this may sound a little weird but I dont actually know what a Mary sue is, I am really knew at all this and have just started letting others read my fanfiction so could you tell me what one is please? The Grecian dress description was because I couldn't think of another way to describe it but i will try and change my modern descriptions. Now the beautiful as the elf thing, i dont really want to say much but when I mentioned her mother running away with another man (Secret it was an elf) and her mother if i can change my story line a little would of been half elvish or have elvish blood in her...I dont know how I am going to fit that in but I really dont want to leave Legolas to that sort of greif in the end. Thank you ever so much for the advice I'll keep it in mind for next time.

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