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Reviewer: Nieriel Raina Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 20/05/09 - 01:50 am Title: Chapter 1

Your story and profile have been edited by the moderator to make them compliant with the rules. Please take a moment to review the rules so this doesn't happen again.

You also need to use proper HTML formatting on your story, including breaks. Also, whenever someone new begins to speak, you should begin a new paragraph.

Good luck with your story.

Reviewer: Anwyn Signed [Report This]
Date: 20/05/09 - 12:20 am Title: Chapter 1

A couple of things...

Firstly, I see you are new to our nice little (alright, not really!) site so welcome.

Secondly, a few things in the very first paragraph really jumped out at me.

Firstly, that is a very negative and honestly horrible attitude which I can assure you will not fly here. Flaming is not permitted on this site and while I can understand you may be trying to be funny not everyone is going to look at that and find it funny, I certainly do not.

Also, everyone is entitled to their own opinion of a character and I will warn you now that this site does have slash stories which is a relationship involving two males, which at times may have one of those males as Legolas and while you absolutely do not have to read those stories of course and they will be marked, having that kind of attitude may offend people and this is a friendly place and that kind of negativity towards the opinions of others is not welcomed.

Now on to the story which I cannot say alot about because I look at it and all I see is a wall of text which makes it near impossible to read and therefore critique.

Yourstyleislikethisitissoclosetogetheritishardtoseewherethesentancesend.

See? You can probably read it but it is difficult.

The way I have learned to do dialogue, and you do have quite abit of dialogue going on here is to give a space between each and I will take some lines from your story as an example.

“Do not bother, I shall get you new equipment. Now pack your clothes.”

“All I have is what I’m wearing.”

“I’ll get you new clothes then, just come on.”

Areli and Legolas ran back to his father. “Father, I must do some buying at the palace shop.”

“Alright, get on with it.”

When you have your dialogue so close together it is impossible to tell who is saying what.

Also, having mention of a 'Palace Shop' is really quite confusing as such thing would have never excisted as Elves I imagine would have a batering system but not a 'Shop' as that is really far too modern and sticks out terribly.

Hope this helps you.

Anwyn.

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