Reviews For The Star of Gondor
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Title: Horses and a Journey Reviewer: Domestic Duchess Signed
You seem to know where this story is going, so I won't bore you with story critique. New perspectives on old stories are the best and that's why this one intrigued me.
Now, that being said, you did politely ask for some constructive help, and I will politely make some suggestion. sometimes as the writer, we lose perspective of our stories and characters, so it's a good thing to have someone with a different eye look at your stuff. it will make you think.
My disclaimer is always, take what you will from my advice. This is your story, your voice, you do what you will. But if you're an asipring novelist, just think about what others suggest. Doesn't mean you have to do it. I've made alot of mistakes in my own story and my early stuff is horrible. You'll have that. And my intention is not to discourage you, but to encourage you by making youlook at things differently.
You have alot of information in a small amount of words. That can be a good thing in some cases. In this case though, I might suggest introducing every one slower. You do alot of telling, but not so much showing. There's that whole paragraph in the begining where you're telling us who is fist born who is second and so on. You can do that but in a slower showing way. Maybe something like--Erudessa scanned the stables over the back of her horse, listening to the wuffling and stamping of the other horses, and spotted her eldest sister, Arquenniel, properly gowned for riding and perched erect atop her horse in the elegant side saddle fashion, the perfect picture of lady-dom. Arquenniel's straight sharply angled nose tilted up slightly. Go figure, her sister always had her nose in the air about something, but Erudessa loved her anyway. She glanced down at her own riding habit, wondering as she did so, if there was anything worse that riding a horse in a gown. Yes, there was. Balls, dancing and boys.
That shows us alot about both E and he sister. How they look, act, think.
Your dialouge is dialouge. Better than 100000 words of nothing but prose. Real believable dialouge is hard to write. It might help to listen to audiobooks to see how writing speech needs to flow. In anycase, the more you write the better your feel and sense of dialouge will flow. Especially when you get to know your characters a little better. Then they tell you what to say. It might be your age or maybe just inexperience that makes the dialouge...less natural. Ask yourself if people really say this stuff. Anyway, the more you write the better you will sound, the more your voice will develop.
Not sure about the accuracy for Aragorn's horse's name. But whatever, minor detail. Those who claim to be canonites are boring and have no imagination.
The other thing I might want to see is a bold opening. Capture me, suck me in with the first words, the first sentence, spur me on to reading the next paragraph the next page the next chapter. Maybe something like-- Being the sixteen year old daughter of the king and queen onf Gondor had its advantages (list advantages). If it had its advantages, it also had its disadvantages.
The opening line should make me ask myself a question.
I always do make suggestions (alway suggest, never criticize)with some reservation. I dont' think you are a bad writer. Not at all, infact, quite to opposite, with practice, experience, and perspective, I think you will be a fantastic writer. Your words are clear and the flow in the reading. Not choppy and jerky as so many inexperience writers are. The thing that's sort of hardest to remember is that you are a storyteller. You're telling a story, Entertain me!!!!! Don't just march barbie and ken around the stage like toy soldiers. Make me laugh, cry, get turned on. Engage my senses, smell, taste, sight, touch, hear. Ask yourself what is going on around these people in addition to their interaction. Paint a picute with words.
If you've never read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, it is an absolute must for any writer. You will learn soo much from reading her books. Check out her website and she gives tips for writers.
Frankly, I think you're doing very well for your fist go around, so don't stop writing!!!!! You'll always regret it!!
Date: 24/01/12 - 12:03 am [Report This]
Title: The Birth of a Daughter Reviewer: Domestic Duchess Signed
Hello, and good for you putting yourself out there. This is the perfect place to try your hand at writing fiction. Writing is a hard frustrating business sometimes, and it's nice sometimes to work in someone else's world while learning how to write a romance.
This chapter is short, sweet and too the point. At a prolouge should be. Interesting begining, and surely, an interesting idea. One that I haven't seen before.
Date: 23/01/12 - 11:04 pm [Report This]
Title: The Birth of a Daughter Reviewer: Karlmir Stonewain Signed
You have a truly original and interesting story idea and I enjoyed the introduction. I don't know if you intend for the princess to meet her prince on her own, but an arranged marriage between Elboron and Erudessa would probably not be unusual for this culture. Elessar would surely be quick to foster an alliance between his family and Faramir's.
Date: 13/01/12 - 06:41 pm [Report This]
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