It's really good, but when a new person speaks, you should begin a new paragraph. It's lovely besides that and I don't know if you did this by accident, but it should be 'took' instead of 'toked'. I loved it and I will read more chapters later, Of course, I could beta it for you if you want, which would save a lot of trouble for you since you're already very busy. :D
Author's Response: I know I still suck at writing stories. I would like that very much. Its a habit of mine to had other people talking in one paragraph. I wont mind you being my beta.