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Reviewer: ttbenanza Signed [Report This]
Date: 24/06/12 - 04:02 am Title: Chapter 1 part 1

Well, there are a lot of errors with your sentence structure, and a lot of punctuation and grammar errors in this as well. It is not entirely bad for the first chapter but...she does seem a bit Mary-sueish in that she's just randomly walking down a road and comes upon Glorfindel who takes her for a ride on his white horse into the sunset...
Tell us more about this character, and maybe get a beta reader for those sentence structure errors
Ex: "Two hours later I take a break and sit down next to the road to eat. Yesterday I had found some red berries. Some birds were eating them so I decided that they probably weren't poisonous. I have collected enough to last me a few days, my trouser pockets are full of them. Looking up I check the position of the sun, it is just barely touching the mountaintops in the distance. I get back on the road and continue walking. An hour later the sky clears and the sun starts to shine." This Paragraph was very stilted, so try working on the flow of your sentences using connecting words.
Ex: "The rest of the body is also protesting it doesn't like fast movements at the moment." There should be an 'as' or something similar between 'protesting' and 'it doesn't'
Ok, those are just some tips, hope it helps.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I know I need a beta reader but so far I haven't found someone who wants to do it for me. And believe me she won't be a Mary-Sue at least I don't intend for her to be. Would you tell me after I have uploaded the next two parts of chapter one if you still think she is a bit Mary-sueish? Thanks I appreciate your tips and I hope you give more in the future.

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