Hey, your friendly neighbourhood moderator here. Your first chapter title has a little typo "Vapire" instead of Vampire. Might want to fix that. Also, quotes are like this: "Hi," he said. You use comma when a quote is followed by "he said/she said/she murmured" etc. You also overdo a bit on the commas.
Either way, good luck with the rest of the story! (And don't hurt poor Will too much, eh?)
Author's Response: soory about the typo, I was in a hurry at that time... and I know that with the comma, it's something that sneaks in from the german grammer which is my first language... I try my best to correct it... oh, and he won't be hurt much more, Physically at least...