Ooh, cliffhanger! Thrilling intro. I did notice a few little mistakes, though.
In the second sentence, you use the word 'move' twice. You also don't need to repeat his name twice in that paragraph. You should probably just say 'he could not hear or see anything'.
Melon-nin should really say mellon-nin. 'Allright' shoud just be 'alright'.
Just one more thing. In that last bit, you could probably come up with a more interesting alternative for 'said', as you have used it twice.
Aside from those little points, it was fantastic! I'm on the edge of my seat now, waiting to find out what happens. Please update soon!
Go you! its great! i love it ..well.. LEGOLASSS! AGHH suspense is killn me! plz keep writing!
Author's Response: OMG! I have forgot about this sight! I'm so sorry! Uh... thanks for the review. I'll update tonight or tommorrow. I'm so sorry! Thanks again!