Ok, if Kelsey is an elf, Kelsey would not be her name. It's quite unrealistic. Haldir lives in Lothlorien, not Rivendell. It would also be nice if you could try to make the emotions a bit more real by smoothing out and lengthening your sentences so they aren't choppy, as in the beginning when he was interrogating Kelsey. Otherwise it jerks the reader.
Please make that guy a better bad guy than your typical generic evil person? *bats eyes* please?
Show more of his point of view, his motivations, etc. Don't just go "he grinned evilly." "he slapped her." Go past the generic bad guy and make a really good one. :)
I hope you continue this, but some points: We already know all the races, you don't have to explain them. Orcs are spelled with c's. And "1 girl had survived," and other instances where you used the number 1, you should type out the word.
Also, if you want to hook your readers a bit better, show, don't tell. This means don't give us a summary of Kelsey's ability and life and all the races, write a scene where it is shown to us by words and actions.
Author's Response: I thank you very much for your review. I know I wrote orcs with a K but that may come because I'm Dutch and we write it with a K. The scenes that you mention will come. They are on the way but aren't ready yet. I'm writing this while the second came in so i'll tell you also some things that you said in the second. Kelsey was a name that I just made up. I liked the name so I just used it. I hope that doesn't bother you. With emotions I'm not so good. Also not with details. I'm trying to perfect that but because this is not one of my newest it isn't that great yet. The bad guy died in the second chapter so I can't make him very evil anymore =P And I know that Haldir comes from LothLorien. But I like him and in later chapters I need him like that. If you don't mind =P Thanks again for your reviews and happy reading =D KelseyWhiteleaf