your story line seems interesting, but the style of writing makes it hard to read. Try writing in word first so you can proofread and run spell check, Then cut and paste for you uploads. This gives you an opportunity to organize your thoughts.
You might also want to research and decide if your writing from a first person narrative or if you want the story to be written like a script for a play
Apart from the one-or-two spelling mistakes, this was really good. I enjoyed it immensly.
Author's Response: Thankyou. i am glad to hear it. and i am sorry for the mistakes. I will try to take more time to read through it more carfully to find mistakes.