It is a good start, and one that I like.
There is an old rule of writing, in any form: show, don't tell. Telling usually involves the verb "to be" and its conjugates. Someone telling me a story is not the same as being there—the same is true of reading. The best books I have read are those that made me forget that the author was trying to tell me a story. I became a part of the story, and the story became a part of me.
There are a lot of things that readers can relate to in this, but it sounds a little expository to me.
Do please keep the iine, "To hell with California. I'm going home."
Ophelia, this is a great turning-point scene. I just read your author info and two things came to mind.
1. Cape Cod! My family used to go to Cape Cod in the summers -- Wellfleet, especially. You're right: It really is its own world.
2. You're also right that it can be hard to write fanfiction, but I think it's a great writing workshop environment. When you're doing completely original work, you have to create everything, while when you write fanfiction, the world and many of its characters are pre-made, giving you more time to focus on your technique.
Good luck and keep writing!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the scene- it really does seem like more of a scene than a stand-alone, essay doesn't it? I just need to write a story around it... That's cool that you know the Cape. I used to live sort-of near Wellfleet. It's a pretty town. Thanks for your advice concerning fanfiction, though personally, I disagree. As much as I love playing around in Tolkien's world, I always have the distinct feeling that I'm jamming an extra puzzle piece into an already-completed puzzle. I do it for fun, but the original creative spark isn't there. The world isn't mine. I guess that's probably just a personal feeling, though, because I've certainly read a lot of fantastic writing on this site, yours included. Anyway, thanks for the review! Ophelia
I liked it!!! Sorry you're feeling terrible. I know what rumors can be like, but it's hard to imagine what it would be like to have all your friends side against you. Hope you feel better soon, and that story was really well written! :D
Author's Response: Thanks! That all happened last winter and since then I've made my peace with the friend that had hurt me, and though I'm not sure I can completely trust her again, we're not fighting anymore. I'm much better and I appreciate your concern. I'm glad you like the story and thanks again for your review!
I really like this. Your fan fiction doesn't suck! Trust me. I thought this was really good! Keep up the good work! Sarah-Kate xxx
Author's Response: Aw, you're sweet. Thanks :] I'm working on a little short fanfic that I'll hopefully be able to put up soon. Thanks for your support and reviews!