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Reviewer: Shadow Maiden Signed [Report This]
Date: 11/07/08 - 03:38 pm Title: At Home

Alright, this title caught my eye but the first chapter failed at capturing my heart and my interest. A word of advice: change the chapter so the person leaves hungering for more.

Reviewer: ArwenUndomiel Signed [Report This]
Date: 10/02/07 - 01:19 am Title: At Home

It's an alright start, but it could use some work. It's far too short for a first chapter. The first chapter of a story is really important if you want to hook in readers. To be blunt, a chapter this short isn't going to have too many people on the edge of their seats, waiting for your next chapter.

There's also no setting or description in the story. You need to put more effort into describing the surroundings and the characters, rather than just giving us a blow-by-blow of what they said. There's a concept in writing- showing vs. telling. Writers should aim to show their readers what is happening in their story, not tell them.

Sorry if this review sounds a little harsh; I'm just trying to help, not be mean or offensive. It's hard to tell whether you've got the material for a good story here, because a) there's nothing of substance in this chapter, and b) you haven't given any detail about the characters. I really think that you need to edit this chapter a bit. I'd love to see it when it's got more detail and description. And if you work at it, it could be a great story!

Good luck.



Author's Response: I didn't have much time when I was writing it but when I have got more time I will edit it.

Reviewer: iggybaby Signed [Report This]
Date: 09/02/07 - 09:10 pm Title: At Home

Keep writing! I'm drawn into the story.
iggybaby

Author's Response: Ok I will. I'll be editing the first chapter when I have got a bit more time. Thanks for the review.

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