Missing
Orlando’s POV
~Please, please, forgive me…~
Life seemed to perfect; he got all attention always, on the streets, in TV shows, in movies. It was not a single moment outside worlds as he was unwatched. Except by him. Him.
Only the thought of him, Viggo, made his heart ache. All since he’d seen the attractive, blond man, seen his blue eyes, then his heart was lost for good. But somehow, he knew that his love might never be returned. No, Viggo hadn’t shown any interest in him. Those hugs and the kisses; they were just between friends, nothing real. But for Orlando, it was real. Tears burned in his eyes. No, not think like that. It was something that never would be. It was just … just so … A single tear slid down his cheek. Did Viggo even care about him? Orlando hadn’t heard of Viggo for weeks, months. He didn’t even use to call nowadays. Only sometimes to congratulate something; Viggo would call him a lover. Never …
~Do you even miss me?~
He couldn’t move from where he sat in the window, watching the rain outside. It was falling, he saw and heard the droplets fall from the sky, hitting the glass. A finger trailed slowly down the glass. Cold, icy cold, it felt against his skin. Cold yet soft. The rain kept falling, undisturbed by the world. Orlando wished he could shed his tears and lighten his aching heart so freely. Or maybe, to shed them, held by Viggo – being in his safe warm embrace, protected. Safe.
Only imagination.
~I breathe deep and cry out...~
Taking a deep ragging breath, he looked away. This had to come to an end… This had to stop. This pain, he couldn’t bear it anymore. He made it over to the television; the screen flashed.
~...Isn't something missing?~
Him and Viggo at the Lord of the Rings premiere, hugging, laughing …A shy friendly kiss on Viggo’s cheek.
~You won't cry for my absence, I know~...~
Legolas and Aragorn, standing on a cliff, looking at each other, and he could see longing in himself…The desire - the world seemed to slow down and his heart beat faster. He needed him... so much ...
~You forgot me long ago.~
Viggo was there on the screen; talking and laughing with an unknown man, and Orlando knew at once, that they where flirting with each other.
~Am I that unimportant...?~
White flashing lights. Fading, tormenting, memories to embrace a lonely soul.
Viggo wouldn’t … shouldn’t … Orlando’s hand flew to the phone. The thought of hearing Viggo’s voice again made his heart beat faster. He needed to tell him. Now. He needed…
“Hello?” Viggo’s dark, soft voice sent shovers down his spine. Orlando swallowed, tried to find his tongue. He needed to tell him… how much …
~Isn't something missing?~
“Hi, Vig…” The lump in his throat made it hard to talk. Again he feels tears, the heartache. The fast beat. What if Viggo rejected him? No, he wouldn’t… He needed to tell him everything, now: how much…
“I love you, Viggo.”
But Viggo rejected him. Said he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. He didn’t want to; he didn’t’ need to. Orlando heard behind his words a new voice, a voice he didn’t know, and it told him everything. Viggo didn’t love him. Viggo didn’t want him. All his dreams came crashing down on him as the call died, and he broke down, head in his hands, feeling the tears slide down his cheeks. The whole world, the meaning of life, was worthless. He had no longer any wish to be here. Anywhere but here… Didn't Viggo understan? hHow much he needed him - how much he loved him?
~Am I so insignificant...?~
Tears want not come as he searches through his house like a madman, rippling out things and clothes from their places – but he don’t shed his tears. It was all over now. He was unloved, no one cared – Viggo didn’t care.
~Even though I'm the sacrifice…~
Oh Viggo, his heart, his ache. The only thing he’d ever lived for. All was so wasted. Time, life and love. Love no one would answer.
~...You won't try for me, not now...~
A knife. He found it in a box; lying there shining and lonely. Inviting him. Telling him, silently, how he could end the pain swiftly. It would be over.
Raising it he saw his own reflection in the steel, a cold mirror. Couldn’t anyone see the pain in his eyes, reflecting in the brown depths? Perhaps, no one could – no one would, either, and he was alone with his pain. No one would. It was too late.
~Though I'd die to know you love me, I’m all alone…~
Blade raised, the tears weren’t shed. He would at least die, knowing he would die with love in his heart. Would Viggo now see, understand? Viggo was his everything. He raised the blade to his heart, a small smile of sudden relief on his face. Finally, he would find peace. Finally, he would drown in his dead dreams, but his heartache would be over. All pain would vanish in seconds and there would be peace. Love never returned. All for nothing. /I love you so, Viggo…/
~Isn't someone missing me?~
The cold steel slid through his flesh and he drew his last breaths.
~Isn't something...~
Viggo’s POV
The phone had called, which had made Viggo surprised. Even more surprised had he been as he’d recognized Orlando’s number. Orlando, why did he call? They hadn’t heard from each other for weeks. But he answered, and the sound of Orlando’s soft British voice warmed his heart. But the, Orlando said it. Three words…
/I love you…/
No, that couldn’t be true. A young gorgeous upcoming star in live with an old actor like him? No, it didn’t make sense. He heard the sadness in Orlando’s voice, as he was rejected. Viggo simply cut off. No, he couldn’t have a relationship with Orlando. Not now. Not like this. So soon; all too soon, too sudden. But he soon realized.
/I love him./
No. No, no, no. Standing up, rubbing his temples, Viggo shook his head. Maybe it wasn’t Orlando, maybe just some … someone else.
He knew in his heart that wasn’t true. It was Orlando. /Lovely, young Orlando./
Taking a cold long shower didn’t help to take away the strange feelings; of unease, of nervousness, of … love. Love for Orlando. He loved him, he always had. Even if he’d never known. Their hugs, their friendly kisses; had it been so clear for everyone else than just him?
And now, he’d left Orlando alone to suffer like this.
He chose to drive down to him; the road seemed to go on forever. Forever. And even longer so. But soon, he knew he had to call again. To tell him, Orlando, that he loved him. That he was going down for a visit; it would be lovely.
But then, he was told it. It. And gods no, it couldn’t, it couldn’t just be true! No! HE couldn’t and wouldn’t accept this! It was so wrong. Not his lovely, young, innocent Orlando…
/Orlando.../
But the road came to an end and Viggo saw it with his own eyes, with all their memories together flashing before his inner eyes. He saw the grave. No! It couldn’t … no … He broke down, sinking to his knees with a cry of rage. But Orlando wasn’t there anymore to welcome him. To see him, nor to his arms around him with a smile. Not anymore. For he was gone – forever gone, and he was never to hear Viggo say the three words that should’ve made him understand. To make him stay – with him. But no tears was shed; not a single one.
/I love you, Orlando./
The road went on, and even thought of the two trucks standing in the way there, Viggo knew and drove on. This was too much – too much for him to bear. Orlando, sweet Orlando… He drove faster, and faster. The two trucks in the middle of the way were still there. This last moment he had now to choose.
/Oh... Orlando…/
Faster. He saw in the mirror his own face and his own eyes full of fear and grief reflect back at him. If it just had been Orlando’s eyes…Chocolate orbs meeting his blue in a last moment of regret…
/I am coming to you - now.../
Closer. If he’d just been able to see Orlando one last time, to hold him, to be with him… But he wasn’t there. There was no going back.
~Please, please forgive me …~
A crash with flashing lights - all went dark. Forever.
Finis.
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