It was a beautiful morning that day, certainly. I was off to visit some shops. Food and that kind of stuff, nothing unusual. I decided to take my new parasol with me, for it was going to be the most beautiful sunny day ahead. I was pretty happy that morning. Maybe you wouldn't call it happiness, but for me it certainly was it. Last looks of vanity into my twin in the mirror and I was ready to go. I wasn't afraid of the rapid fangirls this time. I used to be, but not anymore. They seem to respect me nowadays and just stare from a distance. Sighing I stepped out of the door into the sunny street. I looked around a bit and immediately noticed a couple of girls who obviously knew who I was. I never saw them again, I didn't remember their faces even for five minutes. It's strange how people's minds work. They probably remembered seeing me for a long, long time but yet still I immediately forgot everything about their looks. I opened my new white parasol and felt the stares of those girls on my back. I didn't mind, I was used to it already. I just started walking confidently forwards. I was very alarmed, I should've had at least someone with me if I was going to public places when people might recognize me. But I always had had the great ability of "forgetting" it. So, there I was. All alone by myself. And gosh, that suited me. I looked at small things. Things no one noticed. Small cracks on the road, small plants that grew from them. Usually people just stepped on them. People never thought they were stepping on a life and maybe even killing that small life with that step. I wasn't like that. I saw prettiness on those small plants. I always wanted to smile when I saw a small flower forcing its way through stone. I admired that. I really wished to be one of those plants; so confident and strong- willed. I was nothing like that. People knew just a small part of me. In public I acted...not me. I hated giving interviews, too. I usually just made up my answers. Made up silly answers that didn't give any information about me. It kind of amuses me how people, fans to be exact, think they know something about me. I don't think that even my bandmates know me well enough. I never wanted to be this "mysterious" or whatever you might call it. I was a lonely person. What does money do if you have no one for you? And yet again I saw those girls there. They stared at me like I was some sort of beast. It really made me feel like one, too. An unknown beast whom people would like to know. I was starving for someone to be there. But no, there was no one. My thoughts that day were complicated. I was happy and I was sad. At the same time.
And then, after about two kilometers of walking I heard a familiar voice but pretended to not hear it, though I fooled no one. I sighed heavily and finally turned around to see the chaos. It was a miracle I didn't notice the large crowd of people following me. It made me quite sad to see how they just followed me like dogs but not a single one of them bothered coming up to say something to me. And there he was, forcing his way through the screaming fans. I heard his voice calling me but the air was all covered with the screams of those fanatics. I just stood there in the middle of the chaos. I didn't know if it was actually so wise after all going out by myself. I just stood still and finally Yu~ki reached me. He was smiling and some fanatic girl was nearly ripping his shirt off. I made a pitying look at her and she stopped and ran away, blushing. I didn't mean to be mean at her, but they should think about us too. "Hey, you really didn't have to do that", he said to me still smiling but obviously relieved by the sudden disappearance of the lunatic fangirl. I just looked at him in the eyes. I wasn't sure whether he got my point or not, but it was still worth a try. And he did get my point. "Uh, mind if I join you? You can have a ride in my car, if you want." Yes, he got my point. Relieved, I walked up to him and together we made our way through the crowd. I thought the fans had some kind of sense about "respection". But no. They just tried to drag us to every possible direction. I tried to look calm but I wasn't calm at all. I was afraid and I was furious. Fans made me hysterical. Yu~ki tried to talk to them but it was useless. He covered me with his hand, it was so nice from him. He didn't want me to get hurt. I understood later why he did that.
After we got through the terrible fans, we walked to his car. He had a nice car. It was blue. I didn't understand why he had a blue car. I never thought he liked blue. Anyways, he opened the door for me. I thought the fans were going to break his car. They just were everywhere screaming and asking for autographs. Yu~ki just laughed, he was better on handing fans than I was. He jumped into the driver's seat and smiled to me. When he drove to the street he looked at me with laughing eyes. "Now you may talk, Mana-kun." I looked at his eyes. He was pretty. He had a beautifully shaped face. How come I never had noticed that before? "So...where are we going?" I asked slowly and very quietly. I hated my voice so bad. It broke the illusion. (what illusion? I was sure no one believed me anyways.) I was surprised he even heard that. "We are going to my apartment first, if you don't mind. I have to pick up some things. Where were you going anyway?" I looked at his hands. They were pretty too. He was such a precious creature, even though I never had had any special feelings for him. I guess he was just more like a brother to me. "I was...just walking." I said again. "You know you shouldn't be 'just walking' around alone, Mana-kun. You should have called me or something. Oh sorry, I forgot you don't talk on the phone too often." he laughed. That joke was so bad it made me almost laughing too. But just almost. I managed to keep my expressionlessness on my face. I looked at him and he quickly looked to me in my eyes. His face was all laughing. He really seemed like a little brother to me.
Suddenly the car stopped and we were in a small yard. I stepped out of the car and looked around. I had no idea about our whereabouts. Yu~ki kind of read my thoughts. "Yeah, I live here. It's not fancy or anything but I still like it" he said when he locked his car's doors. "Come on, we'll be leaving more often if we'd actually go in", he said and I followed him. I had never been there before. I was kind of excited to see where he lived. I followed him up the spiralic stairway, up and up. It was so spiralic it made me dizzy. Up and up we went and the stairs kept a funny noise. I liked that stairway. He surely had found a good place to live in. He opened the dark wooden door. "After you", he said and made a funny bow. I stepped in and was blinded by that apartment. I loved it from the first moment I saw it. It was very elegant and kind of gothy in a way. I loved it so bad. "This is...pretty." I said so very quietly. I just had to say it. I turned to him and saw that he was surprised. I couldn't tell if he was surprised of me talking or the fact I liked his little place. "Oh, you like it? It's just a bit...well, he helped me with the decorations quite a lot." he said when he walked past me and through another wooden door. I didn't bother asking who 'he' was. I was quite sure about that anyway. And it became even more obvious when I wandered to the living room. Anyone could tell that he had been here. I liked it. Not the fact that it was mostly from his head; I liked the decorations just in general. "Just sit down", I heard Yu~ki shout from some room. And so I did. I sat on a red velvet sofa and looked around. There were lots of incenses and candles. I thought Yu~ki hated incenses. Incenses reminded me about what it used to be like on the old times. When he was still around. I loved him.
Suddenly Yu~ki came to the living room. He had taken his coat off. I looked at him with questioning eyes. He didn't bother explaining. Or maybe he didn't have an explanation. He looked at me and his eyes were strange. They weren't laughing anymore. They were...they were empty. He walked over to me slowly. And there I was, sitting alone. He was standing right beside me and looking down to me. His eyes horrified me. They had never been like that, never. Suddenly he pushed me lying on that sofa and sat over me. I was trapped under him. But I said nothing. I just looked at his face without an expression. He looked back to me with his suddenly so empty eyes. That look was the most disgusting I had ever seen. After that quick look to me he started opening the buttons of my shirt. I did nothing. I just laid there fighting my tears. I couldn't believe that from HIM! I thought he was my friend, after all. One of my few friends. But no. By this point he was done with my shirt and took it off. He kissed my chest and it truly disgusted me. He moved down, down... He reached my skirt and almost angrily ripped it off. I was almost crying. "Well well, aren't we pretty today..." he mumbled when he was working with my stockings. I felt like hitting him. Was he happy now? Was he happy about what he was doing? I couldn't understand. I laid there, without moving. I saw him taking his pants off. I closed my eyes and started thinking about those small plants...Small, strong-willed plants. I tried to be one. I had my eyes closed and tried not to think what was to come. I thought about flowers, flowers and butterflies. Pretty things. I felt the pain down at my bottom. I tried to think about pretty flowers and pretty butterflies, not my "brother" on top of me, causing an indescribable pain for me. It hurt so bad, so bad... I tried to fight the tears but I just couldn't anymore. I opened my eyes and looked at him with the tears flowing from my eyes. He had his eyes turned away. Just what I had expected. He couldn't face what he was doing. I pitied him. I truly did. He was doing something unforgivable. My tears flowed down my neck, to my chest. He felt them in his hands, I was sure. He gave a horrified look at me. I looked back with a very large pity in my eyes. He clearly was doing something he didn't want to. I just wondered what was causing him to do that? Why did he want to do that to me? Was I a beast in his eyes too, a beast he would've like to...know? Was that it? He wanted to know me? I had so many questions. But they all just went away with that horrible pain. I couldn't fight back and he was going faster, faster... I burst into tears once again.
Shuddenly darkness over came me the silence of the room I was raped in was filled with sounds of birds. Rustle of leaves and grass. Eyes crack open, sitting up to fix my cloths. Trying to stand on the uneven ground in my heels, reaching up with white long fingers to see if my hair was ok. Shivering at the nightmare that it seems to pass from my very being. Training my hearing to listen for anything, sounds of laughter reached my ears, trying my best to walk toward the sounds, trying not to fall down. So many thoughts pass through my brain. Wondering how to get to the place feeled with voices. Yearning to hear them, yearning to be ask why he doesn't speak. More questions danced in my mind, how will I talk to them without talking? Will they understand me? Will they be able to understand my hand singles? Oh please let them understand those! Panic seized through his body, was he walked abit faster toward the sounds, finally breaking free. Looking around not even noticing the little boy under the tree. Looking around the guitarist bit his black lower lip. Hangs clinging as he grip the black skirt.
Hearing words I can hardly understand spinning around, looked at the small boy and his long feet... Blinking keeping a striaght face, back striaght. Hearing the words again, thinking the guitarist raised his hand making a sign that I doesn't understand. The young boy's eyes widen before a smile crawled across his boyish face. Head turn toward a creaking cart with a old man driving it. Words exchange along with the young boy glomping the old man. It seems that finally the old man toke notice of Mana. Nodding toward the empty spot of the bench. Feeling like he knew my secret. Hands curling against the black fabric that clad my legs. A small idea of horrid came to mind: do they think I'm a girl??
Author's Chapter Notes:
I do not owe Mana-sama and he's bandmates! Everyone canon of ME belongs to J.R.R Tolkien