Disclaimer: Tolkien is God of Middle-earth. His creation, his work, his characters. His world. I've merely rewritten and added some characters and creations of my own. You better stay away from those, though. They bite. No disrespect intended, no money made, no fatal injuries incurred. Just a bit of fun and pain. Wheeeee!
Author's Notes: This will make a lot more sense if you have read 'The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth'. Trust me. For info on enrolment and some fabulous fanart, head for http://www.misssandman.com/LOTR/ofum.html or join the e-mail group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OFUM/
It was night in Middle-earth. The sky was dark, stars shining black (don't ask. Really, don't) and the moon pale and grieved. In fact, the whole scenery seemed strangely silent. The trees hung their heads, the owls hooted sadly, the mini-Balrogs were comfort-eating bacon and even the Nuzguls had taken a break from breeding to mourn.
Horror upon horror. Word had reached Middle-earth that on the human world movie two of the Lord of the Rings neared release. And they all knew what that meant.
“I'm sure it won't be too bad,” Lina Holling (former student at OFUM with the scars to prove it) said in a comforting voice to Saruman, who was looking into his beer gloomily.
“They will make me a babbling idiot of a villain,” Saruman complained. “They'll make me kidnap the hobbits just so that some fabulous Elven maid can rescue them and break my staff…”
“You did kidnap us,” Pippin objected, nursing his own pint of beer. “All the suffering they will inflict upon me and Merry merely to comfort us…”
“Hoom!” Treebeard hoom'ed. His clear eyes were worried too, though. Who knew what horridness the Ents would suffer now that they would finally appear on the big screen?
The characters of LotR had gathered in the staff hall of The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth for an emergency meeting.
It was time to take in new students.
Gimli shot Lina a glance as he patted Legolas on the back. The Elf was the hardest hit of them all, the mix of 'sensitive' looks, kick-ass warrior ability and soft treading being the doom of him. No relief for Legolas from movie two.
Boromir, on the other hand, looked distinctly cheered up. Having died had some advantages. Including always having something to bitch about and the bonus of being forgotten by those with short memories. Which luckily tended to be most fangirls.
“Out of sight, out of mind,” he declared happily.
“Had I known, I would have let the Uruk-hai kill me also,” Aragorn said bitterly. “Instead I must suffer the indignity of suddenly forgetting Arwen and desiring anything on two legs.”
“As if I would not kill you if you had done such a thing,” Elrond replied.
“No, I would have,” Arwen added with just a hint of steel in her voice, then noticed Aragorn's look. “You would no longer be yourself. I would be doing you a favour.”
“Even in death they can still mess with you,” Denethor said with a sigh, tossing another log into the fireplace.
“And still with utter absence from the movie,” Thranduil replied. The two had bonded over both being father of Important Characters, and both all too often being portrayed as… less-than-nice. Movie two was sure to only worsen Denethor's case.
“At least not being in it you have no lusters,” …omer muttered, twitching slightly. He was still recovering from his ordeal last year, when he had been working as a researcher and delving into the depths of fanfic.
Stare too long into the depths of fanfic, and the depths of fanfic stare back…
“Good evening all,” Gandalf (now the White) called as he entered, interrupting the round of complaints. “I am glad you are all here. I made some light snack and I see you have already discovered the beer. Right… You all know why you are here?”
There was a row of downcast eyes and weak nods.
“Movie two is coming,” Legolas said, and ominous music immediately filled the air. “A shadow and a threat is growing in my mind. It draws near. I can feel it.”
Gimli patted his friend sympathetically on the back once more, stroking his beard thoughtfully. Who knew what fate awaited him as a friend of Legolas?
“Yes,” Miss Cam said, rising from her seat to join Gandalf at the end of the table. “Movie two is coming.”
“We will now have a moment's silence to mourn the impending death of sensible characterisation,” Elrond declared, and everyone bowed their heads.
“We're doomed,” Frodo said miserably as the silence ended. He stared down at the Ring, (ignoring Sauron's longing look) which for once was actually shutting up. Maybe that too feared movie two. After all, it too suffered. Many a fic had sought to castrate it by having the main character unaffected by the Ring's evil.
No one was unaffected by the Ring's evil. It was Evil!
Miss Cam gave Frodo a comforting smile, the cleared her throat. “Ladies, gentlemen, mini-Balrogs, Ents and what-not. Morgoth, Sauron and I have devised a plan to deal with this new situation… Dark Lords?”
Sauron and Morgoth rose at the same time, shooting each other an annoyed glance.
“Construction on the new University has already begun…” Sauron started, his chest so far out it was almost in danger of detaching itself.
“Following MY design,” Morgoth shot in.
“Only because you bribed the construction manager!”
“Only because I am smarter!”
“Why then is it called Middle-earth University of SAURON and Morgoth then?”
“The last name is more important!”
“As you can hear,” Miss Cam interrupted, “there will be a new University in addition to OFUM run by our dear Dark Lords here.”
“Are we sure that is a good idea?” Glorfindel asked (he was leader of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M – Still Important Characters Though Not In The Movie), looking slightly less gloomy than the others. Not being in the movie had some advantages.
“Worry not,” Elrond replied. “It has all been worked out. They will offer… alternative classes.”
“Easier classes,” Miss Cam added.
“Easier?” …owyn lifted her head from its position against Faramir's neck, looking grim and ready to pounce. “Movie two will bring fangirls trying to steal MY man and you want to offer them the chance to have easier classes?”
Elrond and Miss Cam begun to smile simultaneously, exchanging amused glances.
“It's very simple….”
Outside, rain began to fall on the Uruk-hais working on the great tower that would become MUSM. It was black and spiked, as was to be expected when Dark Lords are let near the drawings.
Then laughter rose from the staff section of OFUM. Evil laughter. And because evil laughter is to Uruk-hai what yawning is to humans, soon it was all you could hear.
Welcome to year two, students. Muhahahaha…