"Yes, Uncle Erestor?"
"Why are you laughing?"
"Oh, am I laughing too loud and disturbing you?"
"No, not at all. I am simply curious to know why you are laughing. Come out from behind that pile of books so that I can see your lovely face. That is better."
"Well, I am laughing at this book, which is very funny, Uncle. I got it from that pile over there; that is well with you, I hope?"
"It is fine, so long as you put it back where you found it."
"I will. Why are there piles of books all over the floor in your study, Uncle?"
"They were all donated to the library recently, Little One. I have to sort through them before I take them to the library."
"Who donated them?"
"Oh, lots of different elves and men donated these to us. On this occasion, I think most of the books are from Glorfindel."
"Oh, yes, I remember! He delivered them to the outside of your study in big wooden crates tied about with yellow rope and a big basket of flowers with a card that read: 'To my adorable Erestor-honey-pot' with lots of squiggly flowers and love hearts."
"Er. That is right."
"And you got that funny librarian who likes to pretend he is a warrior and does weird warrior poses with his big knife in the library aisles when he thinks no one is watching to undo the rope!"
"You remember well. So what are you reading? Is it one of Glorfindel's books? Yes? You do not find it too difficult to read?"
"Oh, no. Some of his books are hard, but some of them are very easy to read and have lots of pictures in them. Like this one that I am reading now."
"Ah. What is it called?"
"Well, I hope that you will not be angry that I am reading it because it is a little naughty."
"Oh? Let me see. Hm... Twenty of my favourite orifices. Lindir, I do not think you should read this one."
"Oh, but it is so funny! See, he says that... Uncle!"
"I am confiscating this one, Lindir. You are not to read it. That is that!"
"Oh, well, you may as well confiscate that whole pile that I was reading earlier, then. They were all funny too."
"You read Amroth and Nimrodel, Notes on a scandal?"
"That was funny."
"And from the looks of it, full of drawings of fellatio. You are too young, Lindir. What about The one hundred best spots to do 'it' in the House of Elrond? Indeed! You read that too?"
"Ooo, he listed this room as one of his favourite spots!"
"This book is neither for you nor for the library, Lindir. What else did you read? This one? And this one? And this... Good. Valar. Bestiality and the best beasts for it."
"Glorfindel wrote that he has his favourite cooshie hound do his lover twice a week."
"It was terribly funny; he even has sketches of his lovers in there; I am sure I saw Elladan or maybe Elrohir in there with a snake up his bottom."
"Lindir, when I was your age, I never knew about these things. Tell me, what do you think about your being exposed to all these naughty things? Is it having a good or bad effect on you?"
"Of course I desire the truth, Lindir."
"Well, truthfully, I do not know what it is doing to me, but I think it is all very funny and I cannot wait to try some of them out when I reach my majority. The snake looks dangerous, though."
"Lindir, bestiality is illegal."
"And doing it in my study is also very very sure to raise my ire. It is an unspoken law to not do it in my study or Elrond's study or anyone else's study for that matter."
"Does that mean that you cannot do it in your own study?"
"Well, I suppose I could, but that is not the issue. For you, it is against the law."
"Well, what if I had sex with you in your study? Would that be illegal?"
"Lindir, I am your uncle! That would be incestuous and incest is illegal. Also, you are underage. If I had sex with you now, that would also be illegal."
"Oh. So it would be even more illegal than illegal?"
"Lindir, are there any children's books in these piles?"
"Oh, Glorfindel wrote one! Glorfindel and the three Librarians? The pictures are naughty for a children's book, though. See? None of the librarians are wearing any clothes save for lacy loincloths that do not cover their naughty bits and Mummy Librarian has a willy as well."
"That is not a children's book, Lindir. It looks like one, but it is not. Allow me to rephrase myself: are there any children's books in this room that are not written by Glorfindel?"
"Ah, no. Oh, there are a few over there by Elladan. But his stories are all boring! I do not like the pictures in his books; the heads of all the people have human ears. I do not like human ears. I like elvish ears."
"Well, Elladan usually writes about humans, which is why the people in his books usually have human ears."
"Uncle, can a human have elvish ears?"
"No, they can not. If they do, they are a little bit elvish."
"What about if they have floppy ears?"
"Eh? Floppy ears?"
"Yes. If they have floppy ears, does that mean they have a little bit of cooshie hound in them?"
"Choose a book from one of these piles that is not by Glorfindel and is not naughty; I think you are bright enough to know the difference. Now, I do not care what it is; just choose it and bring it over here to the armchair and you can sit on my lap and I will read it to you."
"Oh. Okay. This one! There is already one in the library and on my bookshelf and you have one too, but someone donated a copy of it."
"Ha! To My Darling Nephew by me. Very well. Up you get."
Author's Chapter Notes:
This fic contains references to bestiality. Consider yourself warned!