This is seriously creepy, I have never liked Grima but you have taken his creep factor to a new level. I want to say I like this but at the same time it scared the heck out of me, which is not something easily done so I must congradulate you! There were a few very small spelling mistakes here and there, nothing huge really and they certainly did not take away from the seriously dark tone of this story. I was kind of hoping for a touch more at the end but at the same time the way you ended this piece was very effective.
Hi there, I came across this story as it flashed up as a story of the moment and so I gave a read. To be fair I read the story first before glimpsing at the reviews and I have to say I empathisize with your comment about anyone writing an OFC is automatically assumed a sue until proven otherwise as my stories move around an OFC as well. I am not one to join the sue witch hunt but I would like offer some constructive critism just of a few things that stuck out to me reading this through. Firstly, I am just curious if this is part of a series of stories becuase I just jumped right into this story and did not investigate further than that, but I was confused by the relationship between Aragorn, Elrond and your OFC, Ithilin. Firstly Aragorn calls her "Little Sister" which I suppose is a way of endearment or a pet name or what not, and then Ithilin calls Elrond "Ada" which of course, Father. Personally I find it slightly breaks the trail of thought when a sentance is entirely in english with one or two elven phrases thrown in and I know Ada means father of course, but it seems it is the only elven term some people know, not you personally! But just in general I find it strange, Its just thrown in there becuase its simple to remeber or one not, I personally would rather see the entire sentance be in Elvish rather just one Elven word randomly thrown in, though that is just a personal observation and its only very small. Now, I can see you have made effort to *not* make your OFC a sue and I applaude that and it will be difficult as this is a Legomance which I usually don't even bother reviewing to be honest but this was well written, and the OFC he loves is Elven so that gives you more points as I cannot figure out the Legolas x Mortal Woman equation. The part with the birth was well written, while I personally have never had any children lets just say I have seen enough to make me believe that is quite excruiating and Ithilin's pain through it was realistic, in that she did not faint or swoon (A sue trait where they are as delicate as china one moment and out fighting orcs the next) but she was in pain and exhausted, very understanable. Though without knowing much of your character you have already established a strong connection with her and three prominant canon characters in that they love and want to protect her, I don't want to say its sue-ish but it is a trait of a sue that a female is well loved and has everyone clambering over themselves to be near her and protect her, I don't think Ithilin is quite there but nearly but this is only a first chapter in your story. The biggest issue I have with sues personally is that they are always too ready too steal the spotlight, and I have always found the characters that kind of work outside the grander scheme of things a great deal more intresting becuase there is so much more free room into write. Or even worse is if "Oh, no, Legolas can't follow the fellowship becuase he is mooning over some pretty Elleth..." I applogize if my thoughts are all over the place but I am just writing as things come to me. Though I have a question as this wasn't very clear in the story, but you mentioned Legolas left his tunic nine months before the start of the story, Was there an significance in this? Any reason why he would leave his tunic of all things? I have a vison of a shirtless Legolas riding back to Mirkwood, but hey, I am not complaining ;) Also, about "Nine Months" I read somewhere that Elven women carry their baby for 12 months unlike mortal women who carry for 9, Did Legolas leave knowing Ithilin was already 3 months pregnant? That came to me as I was reading this. I am generally not a fan of Evil!Thandruil in fic either, I feel that the poor Elven King generally gets dealt a bad hand in most stories in that he is either just stern and emotionally distant or just downright cruel without reason and in this fic he is the latter and it never really touches on the *why* he feels compelled to make his son have sex with a woman, excuse me, elleth, he clearly does not love and if it is to beget children that rather goes against the Customs of the Eldar as children were seen as gifts and were only conceived if the woman was fertile, which was not a constant thing but it was rather more mystical than say a mortal man and woman, definately more comlex. Also regarding the drug, It would have to be incredibly potent to affect an Elf so strongly for they are affected much differently then men, and if Legolas was forced to take it say everyday for nine months it would surely begin to loose its potency at some point, but that is just a general rule for pretty much anything that affects the body as the body slowly "learns" and gets around such things. Anyways, I will stop rambling on though I do hope some of what I have said may help you, as this story does have a great deal of potential. Take care :)
Amazing, very masterfully written and extremely moving and a fascinating bit of AU to contemplate, you captured the madness the ring would bring to one's mind, any mind even one as innocent and good as a Hobbits evantaully. On a related note "Dantes Prayer" by Loreena McKenitt is one of the most emotional and moving songs I have ever heard, and that lyric of the song fits this story perfectly.
This is beatiful and terrifying at the sane time espically the last line of "O shall I teach thee how to fear?" is abseloutely chilling. This is brilliantly written and I have always got the impression from Grima thought he thought he could teach Eowyn much though she was always too high for him to touch and anything between them was always in his mind which over time left him quite bitter which is hinted at this,
Author's Response: Dear Anwyn, Thank you very much! I'm glad the last line had its intended creepy effect. Tolkien presents Grima as a very deluded and dangerous, resentful character - I'm pleased this poem matched your interpretation of him.
I quite enjoyed reading this, the way you write of the relationship between Eowyn and Eomer is refreshingly genuine and the way he called her "Rohan's Thorniest Rose" I thought that suited her quite well. I have not seen much written of Eomer's thought's after learning his sister had fought and nearly died, and this was a very well written introspection.
Author's Response: Dear Anwyn, Thank you again for your comments. I've always loved the brother-sister relationship that Tolkien gave us and wanted to do justice to its complications. I'm glad you found the introspection from Eomer to be illuminating. Take care! Dwim
Over all fairly well written, I am partial to fic written of Rohan though I found two aspects of the story slightly confusing. Firstly it made mention of Theodreds mother, the Queen though Theodens wife died giving birth to there first and only son, which brings me to the second aspect I found confusing which is "Elfwine" since Theodred did not have a brother. In earlier works of Lord of the Rings, Theoden did have a daughter named Idis but she was written out becuase her role was completely over shadowed by Eowyn.
Overall, not too badly done but those are just some facts you may want to keep in mind for the next time :)
A couple of years ago when I was more hardcore in Star Wars fic, qui-gonline.org was by quite far my favorite fanfiction site becuase the stories were incredible and I always was so excited when there was an update of new stories so when I saw it written in the story description my jaw did drop a little bit, It really was abit of a "blast from the past" My reminanscing aside, This was a very well written and moving poem.
Author's Response: wow, I can\'t believe someone else cam share this! yeah, I was really in love with that site. Liz posted a thing on the homepage that it was going away, but as far as I know it\'s still up, complete with \"this site is being deleted\" notice... and it\'s been that way for some time now... thank you for your compliments, it means a lot =)
The armies of Mordor, driven ceaselessly by their masters, march ever onward towards the West. The Dark Lord Sauron sits upon his black throne, eagerly anticipating the final victory as he watches history unfold through the palantir.
With Gondor fallen, will Rohan be conquered at last... and then the rest of Middle-earth?
Characters: Aragorn, Eomer, Gandalf / Olorin, Glorfindel, Mouth of Sauron, Nazgûl, Orcs/Uruk-Hai, Original Character, Sauron, Thuringwethil, Witch King
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Erotica, Fantasy, Horror, Tragedy
Warnings: AU (alternate universe), Character Death, Graphic Sex, Rape, Violence
Series: The Circles of Power
Chapters: 44 Table of Contents
Completed: Yes Word count: 165913 Read Count: 79059
I must say that I throughly enjoyed reading your story. I understand there are two writers who penned this tale so to you both I congradulate you on writing an excellent tale.
Admittedly, I often do not read AU stories but I found this one extremely well written, an intresting and honest look into what *might* had happen if the tides had moved differently during the battle of the Pelannor.
I really apprechiated how you managed to so well capture the spirit of the Rohirrim people, that even in times of fear and uncertainity that they remained proud and tried to maintain what little dignity they could still cling too after all that had happened to them.
Again, I throughly enjoyed reading this and I hope that you will have more chapters up soon! :)
Author's Response: Anwyn, we certainly appreciate your kind remarks, and, yes, there are two of us who write this story. Elfhild is a charming young woman, and I am a not-so-charming sixty-five-year-old man. While the story is co-written, I (Angmar) often handle the action and adventure segments of the story, and Elfhild writes for the female characters (or orcs, strangely enough). Sometimes she writes a whole chapter; other times I write it; and sometimes we write a chapter together. When we get together, we go into a brainstorming session and develop ideas for the story.\r\n\r\nI come from a long background of wargaming and writing alternative history stories. I like to explore the \"What if?\" aspects of an event. In the last few years, I\'ve pretty much left wargaming for writing fantasy stories.\r\n\r\nLord of the Rings ended on a more-or-less positive note. Sauron, the symbolic world dictator, has been foiled by the West. What would have happened if he had not been defeated? That\'s the question that Elfhild and I find fascinating, and we are doing our best to provide what we hope are at least reasonable theories. This takes a lot of research into all the Tolkien books, plus real history and world cultures.\r\n\r\nWhile we are providing possible answers or at least thought-provoking conjectures, we will be exploring some of the lesser known characters and kingdoms that are found in Tolkien\'s books.\r\n\r\nI warn you, though. Many aspects of this story will not be happy, because we do not treat war as anything other than what it is - unimaginable carnage, the destruction of established social order and the replacement with another form, and the complete disruption of innocent lives.\r\n\r\nThank you again for reading, and we will be adding chapters soon.\r\n\r\nAngmar and Elfhild
Wow, That was very impressive as your profile says you are 15, but already you write quite well!
Please keep up the excellent work! :)
I just came across this story by chance this evening as it popped up as the "Story of the Moment" and I must review though I am quite surprised to see I am the very first. I will not dance around the point too much, I loved this story, It was wonderfully steamy and adult, I mean that in the most positive way possible as I have read stories involving sex but the tone often comes of as forced but I loved the very natural erotism of this story and the relationship it draw' between Faramir and your original character. After reading your after-note I don't think it is possible that I could agree more about Faramir being an Honorable character, but honorable people can still have desires and needs too! I think you captured the hesitance in his character quite well, as a whole I think you captured Faramir quite well and I truely enjoyed this story as I do like reading adult stories such as this that are certainly not PWP but delve into so much more. Again, Superb story and I will certainly be looking into those stories listed at the the bottom of the afternotes page as Faramir and Eowyn are definately one of my favorite pairings, take care! :)
This was quite clever and amusing :)
Author's Response: Thanks!
Awww, that is very sweet! I am sorry that Andreea did not understand what you were trying to put fourth with the poem, It was quite lovely.
Author's Response: Thanks, Anwyn. I\'m glad you liked it. Maybe if Andrea and I had both had an interest in LotR at the time, I could have made references to Cerin Amroth in the artwork included with the poem. Who knows what my special Elf\'s reaction would have been? (Sigh) Since then, she has sailed off to her own Valinor in Florida.
Hey there bloodsunrise, welcome to the site! I saw your message that this is your first fanfiction and good for you for taking that step :) If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions on your story just to consider. Firstly, I realize that that this is just the first chapter of your story but it seems to read more like a character sheet for an RPG than a story in the sense its telling us about the characters apperance a great deal but not giving more. You could have incoperated it into a chapter if you were to, for example (Of your character pheonix) "Pheonix walked along the well worn path in the woods, the sun glinting off her fiery red hair as her blue eyes searched the trees" Something like that, you are telling us about her which is fine but it is more intresting to learn about her through the process of a story. Also, while Tolkien created many strange and wonderful creatures for his Middle Earth there were no Pheonix's or Angels, There were the great eagles and the Maia which I personally view as somewhat angelic but no great firebirds and "Angels" Also, all of your characters described her sound like they are Mary sues and there are a few tell tale signs and while you are free to write as you wish of course and I am only giving some guidance I hope you at least consider this. Some of the traits I have noticed is that all of your characters are beatiful, perfect and female warriors with swords and the case of Pheonix, magical powers such as the control of fire, that is another mary sue trait in that there were not that many "magical" beings on Middle Earth. Also, you described at some length the clothing of your characters which is very impratical though it may seem "sexy" A warrior who wears a coresette and high slit skirt, for all the good it may do them they may as well rush into battle completely naked, though again its your call, Its just a personal peeve that I see quite a few women in middle earth wearing corsettes and I seriously doubt they excisted and even if they did corsettes are meant to give shape *under* a dress, not comprise the entire outfit itself. Also when you use the term "looks like an Elf" I find that incredibly vague, as there are some physical differences between a mortal woman and elleth reading the story I would like to know if I was standing there looking at Pheonix *How* I would know she is an Elf and not a mortal woman. On that same note, please do not just say "She looks like an Elf becuase she has pointy ears" there is a great deal more than that, and if you wish to pursue that than I suggest you do your research. I have noticed that you list the "Fellowship" as other characters in the story and if the plot involves your three characters joining the fellowship on their quest then I ask you label the story as "AU" as most people avoid "Tenth Walker" stories or in this case it would be 3 additional walkers assuming all 3 of these characters joining and it goes completely against canon in so many ways and it is an impossible scenerio yet a common one strangely considering that the quest of the Ring was one of such importance that the idea that Gandalf would let just anyone they meet along the road join them is completely laughable and unrealistic.
Those are just some thoughts, Best of luck to you :)
Author's Response: Heya,thanks for all the points I could use. My characters wont be joining the fellowship, they may meet them but they wont join them. As for the corset, i think i said it was a corset like top,instead of an a real corset. Thanks for taking the time to readand reviewing.Take care. Trinity-Rose
I recall reading this story once before but I can't remeber where. I need to get one thing off my chest straight off...I detest the use of the term "Cock" immensely, Unless we are talking about a Rooster lets use another term, lol. Now I am a Nurse and I have heard about just about pet name for genitalia, and thats definately one that makes me wince.
I don't see alot of fanfic including the Vampires of Middle Earth though they are intresting creatures but I have always envisioned them as beaitful but only skin deep, and being truely frightful things beneath that thing and that is why I am having a bit of difficulty believing one falling for/desiring a mortal man.
Espically if that certain man is a son of Rohan, and as much as I adore that culture I have envisioned them as a rather supersticious lot and would not be intrested as much in bedding a dark creature but hunting it down and killing it, killing it very very dead, lol.
Now I am not putting down your story as it is a very unique style, but you asked people to let you know what they thought of the story and so I shall be honest with you, but don't take any of it as a put down as I wouldn't take the time to write all this if I didn't mean to help :)
Just a few things that really leap out at me and you may want to consider, The term "Dark Angel" I feel is getting way too overly cliche and espically in a story of Middle Earth where "Angels" did not excist per say.
Also, though the first chapter seemed to jump right into a story already happening I can accept that you will build on her past and everything though here is another female warrior who is quite "badass" and who everyone finds very deserable and wants to bed, be careful with that as it is heading into mary sue territory.
Though I can see that if your character has lived for a thousand of years she has seen alot and is quite capable of taking care of herself and she is a vampire so if she anything like Thuringwethil she is very "Femme Fatale" though Thuringwethil was more of a dark spirit who served Morgoth and then Sauron, so I personally would like to see more of her history as in middle earth is not the traditional vampire in the sense "I just bit you, now you are a vampire now too! ha ha ha"
Lastly, If for the last few chapters you have been trying to build "Mina" as a very strong and alluring creature the last few senstances of this chapter rather contradict this as when she is found listening to Eomer *ahem* playing, she is all of a sudden coy and shy and "Oh dear" comes off as very sweet and innocent, its a huge change in character I felt, that she did not instead pounce and have him on the floor ;)
Every male in this story to Mina is a "Bastard" Is there such reason for such anger? Though most days I would not be one to argue, lol but these are just small details t hat the reader would proably like to know, even if they seem pointless if you look at this fic as a nice meal, the little details are the spices and garnishes which you add to make it unique.
Just some thoughts :)
Author's Response: This story is also on my Fanfiction.net account (under LA Knight), my Urban Reveries account and my fandomination.net account (both under RazeNymphette).\r\n\r\nI personally like the word cock for some reason. That\'s just my personal preference.\r\n\r\nMina isn\'t from Middle Earth. In the summary it says she is summoned from Lower Earth (that is, our world) to Middle Earth after the Enemy summons another, evil vampire. That would be Kristoff. So she is of a different breed, as it were, than the vampires mentioned in the books. Somewhat like the difference between humans and gorillas, say.\r\n\r\nI\'ll tweak the title. I couldn\'t think of a better one at the time, but I\'m sure I can figure something out.\r\n\r\nNot everyone finds Mina desirable. In fact, only Kristoff and Eomer do. The others acknowledge her as beautiful (I read in a book once that vampires were mortals often chosen for their beauty, among other things) but they feel only plutonic affection, nothing more.\r\n\r\nMina is strong and alluring to Eomer, but- this is discussed in further chapters- Mina was turned at a young age (about 18). At 18, your brain is not fully formed, and many still tend to act a bit immature. So though she has lived for thousands of years, she\'s still basically a thousands-of-years-old teenage girl, who still sometimes gets flustered when she\'s confronted by an uncomfortable situation. That\'s something I learned in my human anatomy class, and I was like, \"Oh, neat.\"\r\n\r\nMina thinks Kristoff is a bastard. The second use of the word bastard was Kristoff describing Eomer. And she hates Kristoff because he\'s doing his best to ruin her entire immortal life.\r\n\r\nI will, however, make a point to put these things in my story text, not just in this response. I thank you very much for your effort. As thorough as you are, I sincerely hope you would be willing to read my other LotR stories, and help me with those as well.\r\n\r\nNo fear- all things will be revealed in time.
At just a few sentances in I am already confused, Lothloriel was a Princess of Dol Armoth and later became a Queen of Rohan, yes, but she *was* born a princess as she was the second child of Prince Imrahil and nowhere is it written that she fought in the War of the Ring, in all truth she was proably sent away from Dol Armoth to somewhere safer until danger passed, Is this story AU?
Author's Response: It actually does not say in the text that she was born a princess. It only says she was Princess of Dol Amroth. I\'ve read several fanfics where Lothiriel was adopted, and even one where she was a woman from our world who was then adopted by Imrahil. This story is not AU because, as everything is pulled together, it all fits inside the confines of everything that Tolkien wrote.
I have been doing some research on Dol Armoth, Prince Imrahil and his children and while I have yet to find anything in the text if you google "Prince Imrahil" many sites will come up saying that Lothloriel was his daughter by birth, though I am not 100% on order of birth it was Elphir the Oldest, who is named heir and then I believe Lothloriel and Erchirion & Amrothos, and it does say in the text that King Eomer marries Prince Imrahils *daughter* It does not make any mention of her being adopted and even were he to adopt her I doubt she would be given the title of "Princess" I have been extensively researching Dol Armoth and reading all that I can though some of the stuff about the culture and customs I work to fill in the blank spots the best I can. Though personally I would not cite fanfiction as a source of information regarding her birth. Fanfiction is wonderful in that you can write anything you like, create any scenerio you please but wether it adheres to "canon" and bookverse is a completely different manner entirely.
This is the site where I obtained most of my information on Dol Armoth, Perhaps you might find it useful :)
Author's Response: I\'ve been there, I love that website! It\'s so helpful, isn\'t it?\r\n\r\nThe fanfiction wasn\'t my information source, it was my idea source. In the books it ONLY says that Lothiriel was born on this day, she is the daughter of Imrahil, and the wife of Eomer and mother of Elfwine. And it says when they got married... I don\'t remember the date! Ahhhh! Anyways, but because of this, since it doesnt say she was NOT adopted and medieval (sp?) customs dictate that an adopted child who is elevated to peerage does indeed assume the title they would\'ve obtained had they been biologically related to their birth parents, it still is possible- though highly unlikely that Tolkien even thought it out this far- that Lothiriel is adopted. And this whole situation is resolved later in the story, I promise you.
Abseloutely hysterical! This little drabble was such a delight to read! You really nailed many of the sue cliches!
Author's Response: I guess I must be a repressed Suethor . . . I enjoy generating the little darlings (they are all mine, alas).
Very well done, while it was a short piece you have done an excellent job at capturing Boromir's last thoughts and I applaude you for that. Its very lovely, short and tender.
Author's Response: Thank-you very much.
Very well done, I applogize I do not have time for a more in depth review at the moment but I will be checking back in again later when I get more time to properly review :)
I have to say I am incredibly impressed with your writing, You really have a gift for capturing the emotions of the characters you are writing about. I really like how you have written Elladan and Elrohir, I really get tired of seeing them written as "Eternal Teenagers" always up to mischief and pranks. Yes, I can understand they perhaps had a mischevious side to them that came out *at times* I do not think they were all fun and games all the time, not by a long shot. I also really like how you have captured Gilraen, I have not seen alot written of her but she has always struck me as a very fascinating and strong character, Some people say that Tolkien never really wrote strong female characters...I think thats completely BS, lol. There is Eowyn obiviously but Haleth and Morwen, and I would count Gilraen in there as well even not a great deal is said about her. I find her character tragic as well, to become a Widow at such a young age but there was some foresight there, that she knew she needed to carry the son of Arathorn. The conflinct between Elrond and his sons in this chapter was fantastically tense, I really liked the interaction between them as it came off completely natural and not forced or melodramatic. I am really enjoying this story and I am going to add you to my fav authors becuase I really dig your writing, its very strong and indepth. Take care and I hope to see more of this story soon! :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your wonderful reviews, Anwyn! \r\n \r\nI do put a heavy focus on character in my writing, and I strive to create complex characters that the reader feels involved with and wants to get to know better. I agree completely about the twins, I have often felt that they are given a short shift in most fanfiction, and I wanted to try to give them more depth. They are such fascinating and tragic characters, IMO, along with Elrond and Gilraen. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the conflict between Elrond and his sons in this chapter, it is something that I have put a lot of thought into, and it seemed natural to me that such a difference in perspective would exist between them.\r\n\r\nThanks so much for taking the time to review and for adding me to your favourite authors!\r\n\r\nperedhil lover\r\n\r\n