Oooops - typo in my response to Spiced Wine's review. "Unwillingly" was supposed to read "willingly." Temporary brain meltdown :p anyway this was the only way to correct it without deleting the review - and I don't want to do that :-)
Oh, typo in my response to Tinara's review - should read "made me realise." Sorry! :)
OK, I've noticed you've been posting this story for a while and haven't received any reviews, so I thought I'd leave you some feedback. Your OC, Hannah, is nicely written - she comes across as fun and likeable yet naïve, and you've captured her bond with Billy well (I'd like to see a bit of backstory with these two, some sort of explanation as to how they know each other so well). However, in giving her purple eyes and a tragic past, you're walking a very fine tightrope in terms of Mary-Suedom (if you're not familiar with what this means, follow this link: Some of it won't apply to your character, since you're writing an actor fic, but it should give you a fair idea of what a Mary-Sue is). Also, your grammar needs some work; you keep switching between tenses, and occasionally you use words that don't make sense in context, e.g. I think when you're describing how Orlando "symphonised" with Hannah, you really mean "sympathised." I'd advise you to look for a beta reader; there's a thread on the home page of this site you can check, and also it might be worth searching for one at fanfiction.net as that site has a wider reader base and therefore more registered betas.
I'm not being deliberately harsh; I think you've got potential, but there are issues you need to work on. I'd be interested to see how you develop as a writer.
Author's Response: I have no intended of copyrighting any ter people work. Like Hannah with purple eyes and a tragic past. i have has this ida for a long time. i am writing it jst for fun and something to do. and i just felt like writing.
Sorry, the link I posted in my last review didn't work. Try copy pasting this into your browser: http://alswaiter.codedaemon.com/LOTR/lotrlt.htm
Author's Response: i am sorry this may seem very mary sue.. i like to write more or less all the detail and not just going to the main parts. really just want to write a classic scenario. i thank you dearlyfor your advice and i will tak it in. but i believe if people don't really wan to read just clik away. i am notbeing harash to your advice. i like it. and i appreciate it. if you could, any more hints appreciated.
I agree with xFanarix's comments below; nobody has flamed you, it just doesn't happen on this site. Don't, however, give up - though by all means take chapters down for re-editing, this is excellent practice. The more you write, the more you will improve. Good luck.
Author's Response: thank you for the advice. I willbe re editing and so forth. And I am going to let everyone know that my first language is english. I can't look at the computer screen and type at the same time.
A ring can represent practically anything. Undying love, a silent promise, real friendship, commitment, but also nobility, worship or faith. There are rings that symbolize dependence, enslavement, eternity, and apparently there is one that stands for all that’s evil in this world. But let’s not forget a ring is nothing more than a piece of metal that fits nicely around a finger. It doesn’t even have to be pretty.
So don’t ask me why I ended up risking my life, going on this quest to destroy one. I mean, you can’t really blame me for getting caught up in things I don’t even believe in, right?
Be warned: this is a tenth walker fic and English is my second language. It’s possible you’ll hate this story, but don’t forget you’re not legally obliged to do so. And seriously, I really like readers and absolutely love reviewers.
Firstly, if you hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have realised that English isn't your second language :-)
Secondly, I agree with xFanarix - I don't feel like this is "just another Tenth Walker". It's funny, for a start; far too many GIMEs just leap straight into the angst and romance. I have to say, falling into ME whilst dressed in ski attire isn't something I've come across before! ;-)
Well done. I'll keep reading.
Author's Response: Hi Narya, thanks for reading and reviewing. I hope you'll keep enjoying it. I guess the good thing about writing in a foreign language versus speaking that language is that at least no one notices the accent. So I just have to try to keep my grammar clean, and only microsoft knows how often I use my spelling checker :P. Don't ever hesitate to tell me if I messed up somewhere. Thanks!
“ Do Elves ever have a midlife-crisis?”
Sorry for the lack of reviews, Ndil; I haven't abandoned the story, I'm still following. I've just had a busy period.
This is still a fresh and fun take on the standard girl-from-our-time-goes-to-ME plot; your OFC is likeable and interesting, and her relationships with the Fellowship are touching and realistic. I also like how you have her making comparisons to modern objects and technology, e.g. the palantir to Skype. An all-around good job.
Author's Response: Thank you again! I'm glad you found this bit funny, it was supposed to be :P. I'm also glad your still following! And the plot of this story is a 100% standard girl from our time goed to ME plot. I just try to use Iris to make up for that. Thanx!
Teehee!! I'm glad the professor did a bit of editing here! Very funny; nice work :-)
Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad the "Professor" decided it a bit excessive myself. lol
Hey! I saw you were new to the site and thought I'd stop to say hi and leave you some feedback.
Yes, you're right, this has been done before...but that doesn't mean it can't be done well. There are some fantastic Tenth Walker stories on this site (I strongly recommend you take a look at Pink Siamese's "Hobbitland") along with the...ah...not so good :p in my experience, writing a decent Tenth Walker is a question of writing well, avoiding OOC behaviour in canon characters and making sure your modern-day character has enough depth to avoid the dreaded label of Mary Sue.
You're already one step ahead of the vast majority of Tenth Walker writers in that your writing style is fluid and concise, though I'd like to see a little more in the way of description. I think you've made some interesting choices with this piece, such as having a fae/fairy/supernatural creature lead her into Middle Earth, which suggests some greater reason for her being there. If handled right, this could bring a lot of depth to the story that many tenth walker fics lack - too often it's just a case of a girl falling through a random portal! I also liked that she found it difficult to accept she's there; another thing that tends to annoy me about this kind of story is that the girl tends not to be bothered about having suddenly fallen into another dimension and possibly not being able to go back. I really like your decision to make Legolas dark-haired, too; that makes an intriguing change!
Nitpick: "elf" should be capitalized.
I'll keep my eye on this; I'm curious about where you'll take it. Is it a WIP or have you finished it already?
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, I hope that I can stray from the cliché and overused. ^_^ Sorry, I didn't even realize I hadn't capitalized 'elf' I'll go through and fix that. It's still WIP, I'm not even close to finished. Hehe, I'm not even through the first book yet...I intend to take this to the very end.
Nice work; I enjoyed this. Short, sweet and smart.
The descriptions of the cheese made me feel hungry!
Author's Response: Me too. I love cheese, so I pay attention to it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Moriah is your standard college girl. Nothing out of the ordinary. So why are there nine confused travellers at her dorm? I promise this is not a Sue-fic.
Teeheehee, this just gets better and better! I loved the title for this chapter, and I think Pippin's reaction to the car alarm is spot on; he probably would find it absolutely terrifying. Keep going, please!
Author's Response: More is on the way! I'm so glad you liked the title, I'm having fun making them up.
Oh, this is so funny!! Great job! :-D I loved Pippin setting off the car alarm - so typical! And...Gandalf swears!? I'm scandalized! (Not really - it works well. I didn't stop laughing the whole way through).
Author's Response: I'm sure Gandalf does swear, just not when everyone else can hear him. Although this situation probably warrants a few curse-words. Thanks for the review, I'm glad the story is humorous!
LOL! Very funny, caller, and a nice reversal of the usual GIME situation - I love reading about LOTR characters in our time :-)
Author's Response: In a way GIME is so much easier to write because the characters have to do the explaining, not the girl! There's so much more to embellish on in Tolkien's world because it's something that's easy to change. It's hard to alter events in history that you lived through to fit your story. Thanks for the review!
Yay, Brandon McEwan! :-D
I love this story, it makes me laugh so much.
"I'd be pissed off too if I had to go out into a snowstorm to turn off my car alarm and then found eight freaks with swords.
Oh wait. That already happened to me. Minus the car and all."
Brilliant! More, please!
Author's Response: More is on the way, and I'm so glad the story makes you laugh! Thanks for the review!
Aww wow that's awesome! Some lovely memories there :-)
I love Queen too - and I also imagined the Ents to look like those apple trees from the Wizard of Oz!
That was so much fun to read. Thank you for sharing - both of you.
Oh, thank you so much for adding to this! I can just picture you lying in the hammock and being engrossed in The Hobbit...and I also type out massive long quotes and pin them to my noticeboard at uni!
Tolkien is timeless for many reasons, but his use of folklore speaks to something deep within our race memory, Elves, sorcery, artifacts of Power, the death of hero's and tragic last stands (which is very Anglo-Saxon, and if any-one has a chance to read Esteliel's superb essays, please do.) hence that feeling of familiarity, or that is what I believe.
I think that's absolutely spot on; it speaks to us on a very primal, basic level. And I will have to look at Esteliel's essays!
By the way, since your essays were pretty much all Tolkien-related, I think you'd be safe to put them back up - I loved them, so please think about it!!
This was a lovely essay, Ndil - I totally agree that Tolkien reads like history! And I also agree that it's very unfair that nobody translated the appendices.
Did you ever re-read The Hobbit?
Thanks for adding to this! :-)
Hi Poetofmiddleearth, welcome to the site!
You've definitely got potential, and there is a wise moral to this story - or at least this chapter, with Legolas' comment on the ants. However, there are a couple of grammar issues, mainly with your writing of dialogue. A beta reader would be able to help you with this; there's a thread on the home page of this site which you might want to look at, where several betas have posted to offer their services. Something else that you could do to improve your story is to include a bit more description - for example:
"But suddenly the boss orc came out of nowhere and attacked them fiercely. The attack was so violent that they were both nearly killed. But somehow they killed the boss orc"
This is very clinical and matter-of-fact, and because it is so brief the reader does not feel involved in the battle; there is very little excitement. If, on the other hand, you included more details about the fight and how Legolas was feeling at the time, it would pull the reader into your tale and make them keen to read more. It would also make the action easier to visualise.
Finally, you shouldn't use words like "okay" in serious fanfic. You can get away with it in humour fics, but in any other kind of story modern slang feels out of place.
Keep going with this, and best of luck with the writing :-)
PS - because this involves battle scenes, blood and death, you need to rate it higher than G. I'd put it at PG-13. Also, you need to add an AU warning to the summary ;-)
Oh, so she's a lioness! Wow! And by the sounds of it she's somewhere in the south; this is all most intriguing...
Great work - I love your descriptions, everything's so vivid, I feel like I could be there :-)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind review, Narya. I wanted to take on this challenge but also find an animal that had not yet appeared in this challenge and since I know that there would have not naturally be any Lions in the North I did decide to put the story in the South as it is a place that has always fascinated me. I am so pleased to hear my descriptions were so vivid that you could place yourself there but unfortunately it is not such a nice place to put yourself, not for the moment at least. Thanks again! :)
Oh, gosh, Anwyn! This is an exciting start to the challenge, I can't wait for more. I wonder if Victoria is dead or if she's in a coma or...well, I'll stop speculating, I don't want the surprise to be spoiled :-)
I never know what to think in cases like these, with an elderly person who lives alone with hundreds of animals; I think it's terrible, but I can't help wondering if they've just lost the plot, if they're mentally ill or something. A sad situation for all concerned.
Your description of the state of the animals was heartbreaking.
Am now on tenterhooks for the next installment!
Author's Response: Thank you so much Narya! I do my best to kick things off to an exciting start when I can and this is not going to be a terribly long story, I think, at the moment so I want to keep things rolling along. It breaks my heart when I hear about an old house filled with cats but the thing is that yes the person is usually mentally ill, It is really a form of hoarding but with live animals which is terrible and in the last few years I have seen way too many stories of houses full of cats and dogs and most have to be destroyed as they are just too sick or mentally damaged, It is horrible, abseloutely horrible what people do to animals and I feel punishment should be stricter....Victoria just happens to share my views on this ;) As that will play a major part in the upcoming story. I will have the next installment up soon with any luck, I have a few stories going on but since I feel like I have some momentum going on with this one I want to continue as I feel I have a good idea of where I am going to take it but just working out the 'How' part of things. Thanks so much for the Review! :)