Nicely done: I enjoyed this! You convey Saradoc's emotions well. My only nitpick is to query the necessity of the italics. They're difficult to read and I think we could tell that we were hearing his thoughts.
On to chapter two, now!
Typo: "digest what was going on as slowly he had learned" Um . . . what?
Other than that, it was great. I think your conflict resolution was a little speedy, but the end result was quite believable.
I think I detected a bit of "modern" in Saradoc's dialogue, but nothing major.
Is the last line part of the fic? The style changes very abruptly!
This is an interesting idea and on the whole you've played it out well. The one fault I will mention is that I found the logic tricky to follow at the beginning.
An intriguing look at war from a very different perspective.
Ooh, that was quite violent, in its implied way. It's a very pragmatic view of the elves, which very few authors seem to manage. Nitpick: your opening line is very confusing. If you're trying to sound formal it isn't working, but equally possibly you missed it when proof reading.
I liked this approach.
Very fluffy! I didn't pick up any mistakes. It was surprisingly innocent - why was Primula so tired? I guess I was waiting for the who-pushed-who debate. Oh well, full marks for fluffiness.
Wow, that was a lot of exclamation marks! I think your rhyme scheme was well done; it came across very naturally. I couldn't figure out the cadence though perhaps that was due to the exclamation marks. I'm not sure.
I have to query the inclusion of Elbereth as a high elf though - the Valar and the Elves are /very/ different.
To address spelling briefly:
Iluvatar (one l only)
Gilthoniel (You lost the first l. Gil is Sindarin for star; Gilthoniel means star hanger.
Despite my nitpicks I liked this: I think you have got the spirit of this poem right.
Author's Response: Thanks for the spelling corrections - always appreciated. I'm sorry if the exclamation marks bothered you. This was one of my first attempts at (sarcasm) high poetry. I think what was going through my head was that the poem was praising the High Elves as well as what they praised. Thank you for the review, and have fun reading! NZ
Well written! I can believe that might have happened and your language complemented your story. What more can be said? Great work.
Hmm, I'm not sure that Thindorn has really learnt his lesson, but Legolas is nicely done (again).
I want to lecture those elves on bringing up children, but I don't suppose I can.
Author's Response: Oh my, I did not realize you’d reviewed or I’d have replied ages ago… So here’s my belated thanks: Thank you! Nope, I don’t think Thind learned his lesson either. He’ll need another three lectures or so; I don’t envy Thranduil that. -Kitt : )
You have a pleasant writing style: it's appropriately formal without being stilted. I have two nitpicks though:
I couldn't make head or tail of this part "Two days – more or less, he could not say – they had wandered in Moria".
Shouldn't the last line be three sentences rather than two?
While this story was a little plotless it wasn't pointless (so the plot can't matter that much, can it?) and I think you had Legolas nicely in character.
Author's Response: I had more in mind to invoke a feeling that carry out a plot, and that does shame me somewhat. Still, I’m glad it’s not pointless. : ) Yes, I will pick over that sentence. Thank you for taking your time to read and be constructive. I appreciate it! -Kitt
Okay, um, well the first thing I really ought to say is that on a bigger site like fanfiction.net the majority of reviews on a story like this are flames. *horror* Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of flaming, but you do have a few things to straigten out so that we can enjoy your story properly, in the fashion Tolkien might have written it.
Firstly: Este is a Valier, isn't she? I think you meant to set your character to Estel.
Secondly: You can't use ** in a story. Italics will do really nicely for that. Don't you think it would seem a lot more professional?
Thirdly: You're too skilled a writer to need those silly brackets. Instead of the brackets, give us nice juicy description of what's happening. WHile we're on that topic
Fourthly: Give us loads more description if you want your story to be awesome. We want all the gory details, that's why we're reading this! It starts to get a little boring otherwise.
Fifthly: This is the most difficult part. Try to give your story a plot, even if it's a really simple one. In this story you could make some challenges that Estel has to overcome, like, for example, trying to open the door while holding the tray. Make a big deal about it so we feel sorry for him. That type of thing.
You might be feeling a little overwhelmed now, but a few fics down the line you'll be doing most of those things without thinking. The trik is to get yourself trained into the habit right from the start. I think this story is cute and while the idea in itself is not hugely original, you have some very nice original details.
Now that's just the start *horrified screams perhaps?* I'm quite serious. To write mindblowingly awesome fanfiction (I'm not sure yet how good you could get, but I'm sure you have a bit of talent) you're going to have to put in /really hard work/. It sucks. I wish I could write a piece of fiction that gets positive reviews, even in the big world of ffn, without putting in a lot of time, but most of my six-hundred-odd word chapters take me hours to write and then I can still spend days arguing with my beta about them. I should admit that I'm a perfectionist though. You don't have to take quite that long about it!
There are a number of rules and techniques that you'll have to learn to become a great writer, though. A really good beta reader can help you out there.
Is there a 'subscribe to author' option on this site? I'd like to know whn you write more so I can come check out your progress and leave scary reviews. Mwahahaha. Okay, well hopefully it wasn't too scary.
PS If you're interested in reading some of those mindblowingly awesome fanfiction works I mentioned, just let me know and I'll give you some links to fanfiction.net. You don't have to join or anything, but I think you might like to see the standards there as they compare to this site. Maybe. C
Author's Response: I reread Breakfast for Ada and I didn't come across where I wrote Este. But if I missed it again, thanks for informing me. I agree that describing things and using italics is much more professional. I reread it as I said and I am not happy with myself for leaving it that undone. You think I'm skilled? I am a complete novice! But I love to read (or otherwise I wouldn't be on this site, I mean LOTR is over a thousand pages and I've read the SIlmarillion three times!) Description - ouch. I know I need to work on that. I love good description but it always seems like I can never do that myself. But it's better to work on it here than out in the Real World where people are allowed to flame:)) Gory details - I can do that. Make Estel have to creep around more, maybe almost get caught . . . you have my brain reeling with possibilities. A plot - that backbone of the whole story, or foundation, right? If I have a lousy foundation, I have a Leaning Tower of Pisa on my hands - beautiful but a thing with something wrong with it. Okay. Writing is a life-long commitment, I'll always be perfecting it, I guess. I know that I will have to pour my life into this - my blood and I am willing to do that. When I do something, I've come to realize, I try my herdest to best represent myself and I didn't really do that with my earlier works. I just whipped them off and haven't read them since. That was wrong of me. I need to not just carelessly throw works out there just to hear from people - I need to write works because something has touched me and when I write, I need to do it frm my soul, not just because. I am a perfectionist also but I also can just throw things aside. I have a lot of learning and growing to do I know. But I am willing to and that sometimes is a lot different than other people. They just wnat to be great immediately; they don't want to take the time. Yes, you can receive e-mails when your fav. authors write something new. Go to your Account info. There will be a place to go and you can choose. I forget what one it is but just try to find it. It's worth it! (Especially if you're going to be watching . . .:)) Your review isn't scary. You are helping me like no one else has. Thanks. You make me a little nervous but I need that to grow. I only get nervous around people when I know they can help me - it really helps me listen, especially if they will be watching what I do. I have a responsibility and I always fulfill responsibilities. I have checked out fanfiction.net but didn't really read anything. I will but my day is so full! I'm reading about King Arthur for my novel, learning Old Icelandic, checking out this site, and trying to write more of my novel. The day is soon done! You are intriguing me! (Did I spell that wrong?) Are you a writer in the Real World? Because if you have written any books, I'd love to read them! Thanks again!
Aargh! Can I kill the site? I typed you a beautiful long review and it ate it! Oh well, here goes again.
You didn't put Este in the text of your fic, but she's set in the story settings that are displayed with the summary.
I'm still laughing at the idea of me being a published author. I'm still in school and the longest thing I've ever written is the quarter of the novel I'm working on. I'm flattered, but it is sort of amusing.
If you ever go back to ffn, run an author search for me - Charli800 - and read some of my favourite stories. You might enjoy those. You could read some of my non-LotR stuff too, if you wanted.
I look forward to seeing a longer version of this story. I'd like to see what you can do with it. Get a beta to ok it over too.
On that topic, I have a policy of never offering to beta for specific stories/people. Too many writers feel obliged to accept the offer and end up with a beta who doesn't work well with them.
You seem to have a small problem though: I don't know if you'll get a beta if one doesn't jump down your throat, you sound so nervous. I'm trying to be approachable bu not pressurizing. If you want to ook at a whole bunch of betas without commiting to anything, have a look at www.perfectimagination.co.uk I would enjoy beta-ing for you, but I won't be at all offended if you think someone else would work better for you. I will keep on telling you to get a good beta though!
Are reviews the only way to chat on this site? I need to tell you that McCaffrey does /not/ write about "drgaons in a Star Wars setting". Her best books don't include electricity, never mind spaceships.;) If you've read 'The Silmarillion' three times, Shakespeare should be a breeze. He's not half as tortuous. Realy.
I've spammed you enough now; I should go leave you a proper review on your new story.
Author's Response: Oh, I'll fix that if I can.Oops:)) Ah, you're younger than I am. And don't worry, my novel is no where near being finished! Yeah, reviews are the only way. I hate that part but what can you do? Well, one could make a site attacked to this one where we could talk . . . that would be cool! Excuse me about McCaffrey. I have't read her stuff and I know now that I am confused about several points. I should read things before I condemn them. You're not spamming me! I really enjoy talking. But I will enjoy reviews! Oh, and I'm on right now!
This is interesting. I'm intrigued by the line "they'd find no peace in death". Why not? I mean, originally the Nazgul (You can get the kappie(the hat, I don't know the English word) by using ctrl+shift+6 and then pressing u in MSWord, btw) weren't all bad originally, were they?
Do you plan to ever expand on these ideas (the whole story, I mean)? Or would you let your readers expand on them if they wanted to? I'm curious.
The questioning style is very effective for evoking thought, which I take it is what you're trying to do here.
My rating: Successful
Author's Response: No, they weren't bad origionally but because of their greed, they took something that would condemn them forever. Never again would they be human and never would they be able to 'die' - they were made wraiths, so they immediately went with their lord to Udun. I never meant to expand on them but now that you mention it, I might make further stories. It would be interesting. Thank you again.
Typo: "Everone hates you" - Everyone
Hmm, I would have used Sauron rather than Mordor to give balance. Maia against Maia, rather than Maia against land. That's a nitpick though.
You generally have a nicely sustained balance between your two speakers. You make me wonder to whom they are speaking. You could, if you wanted to, add a line at the start like 'To Frodo', to pick a random name.
The spacing on this fic doesn't seem to work perfectly. I think you would improve the readability by double spacing between the speakers.
Overall I enjoyed it. It has the feel of a thing that would work, although it's not quite perfectly polished.
My rating: Technical hitches
Author's Response: You are right though. I could not think of a good balance so I used Mordor, seemingly the very essence of evil. True, about the name, but I wanted the reader to almost feel like it was to them. What do you think about that? Did I do that? Yeah, I'll double space. I didn't discover that little tidbit until later. *Smacks forehead* Duh. Thanks!!!!
The first verse was . . . wow. I'm not sure the rest quite lived up to it, but it's more an issue of not being astounding than of being weak.
Again it strikes me as something that could be filled out a lot more. This looks almost like the first chapter of a story (semantically, not stylistically) that is going to continue and end with the reunion of the speaker and her (his) love.
On the other hand, there isn't necessarily more to tell. The strong beginning just suggests a more powerful ending.
Given your inclusion of a chorus: Is this a song? Did you have particular music in mind for it?
"I whipped off another one . . . I hope it was really good" No ambitious, are you? I enjoyed it, but I suspect it would have been stronger with a little less whipping off and a little more editing ;)
Author's Response: Yeah, same opinion about the first verse, but I find it hard to make it the same throughout. I guess it's something I need to improve on (I'll add it to the list:)) Maybe it could be a story, but I think it stands on its own very well. Yes, it is a song and I kind of have music for it. I want to make it but I don't have the ecquipment for it. (I spelled that wrong, didn't I? Ah, well.) True, this poem would be a pie and the 'whipping' well, cool whip. I need to take off some cool whip to be able to taste the pie. Got it! (Can you tell I have food on the brain? I mean tomorrow's Thanksgiving!)
At first this reminded me, somewhat, of Bilbo's walking song. The invitation was lovely, but to be honest I don't really get the link between the last stanza and the rest of the poem. Maybe I'm just a dim non-appreciator of love poems though :(
I don't think your summary does this collection justice! You never said you were going to be so poetic!
Author's Response: Yes, but that wasn't the poem I had stuck in my head. It was "When I sit beside the fire and think . . .' I could not get it out of my head. And so, I began to think why I loved that poem and here I am! The last stanza kind of went off on a tangent, didn't it? I almost wanted a different 'chorus' for it. I didn't mean to be so poetic. I didn't even know I had the capacity for poetry (no pun intended:)) until a couple months ago. I'm glad you like these. Maybe I should stick to just poetry and not stories, I seem to do better:)))) Thanks again and why didn't you review for Whispers of Thranduilon?
Hmm, I didn't mean to skip
Whispers of Thranduilon', but subconsciously I think it was too fangirly for me. I just don't find it quite believable, though technically it is pretty good. Also the oblique references to scripture (as I see them, anyway) seemed a bit weird. So, basically, I'm not going to give you a fair review on it, so I managed to forget. It wasn't intentional though!
I think you should stick to writing prose and poetry :) The thing with prose is that the rules and the styles are not as obvious as they are in poetry (I mean, either it rhymes or it doesn't, there's no two ways about it), That means you can write reasonable poetry sooner than you can write reasonable prose, but no necessarily that with some experience the prose won't surpass the poetry.
The dialogue: I didn't really see your addressing the reader aspect. The thing is that I'm not half-convinced I belong in ME (I know some people around here are, but I'm not!) I felt the urgency and the conviction, but for me the emotions are conveyed by letting the reader feel the character's emotions, but being aware that the two are separate. That's why I'm looking for a character whose background I can apply to the emotions. Whether or not you really need that character in any piece is an issue of style, I guess. It could make for an interesting discussion.
Oh, I see what you meant by that line about the Nazg^ul now. I got mixed up in time: I thought you were refering to the time before they accepted the rings and their reasons for accepting them, rather than their perceptions of the future. It makes sense now.
Gosh, your food metaphors just confuse me! Maybe it's 'cos we don't have Thanksgiving down here ;) I'm sure you got my point though, so I'm not even going to try to unravel your whipped cream . . . urghh imagine doing that literally!
I might accuse you of having a horrible ailment that makes you turn everything you write into love poetry, but it wouldn't be entirely fair! I think the trick with poetry is to keep editing as changes come to you. In the little poetry I've written, I've never been satisfied with my first draft. It does take time spent staring at the words though, and time can be awfully hard to come by, I know!
PS Thanks for replying to all my reviews: it makes it seem so much more worthwhile!
Author's Response: Well, I think my poetry tends to lean toward love is because (with Legolas anyway) I have a crush on the person I'm thinking about. The others, I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel so alone at times and the way to get it out is to write like a I'm thinking of a lover.(though I'm not alone because of a lover - I don't have any:)) I make it a point to respond to reviews. I enjoy it and I let the person know that they're not wasting their time. I mean, I love reviews, so why wouldn't the reviewer like a responded message? About the food, I really did have food on the brain. Oh, and one poem I did, I gave to my uncle. I'll have to write it here so you can read it. Shadow Maiden
Aw, that is sweet and nicely told. I think you could improve it though, by using the 'show don't tell' technique. Basically what that means is rather than saying 'he was touched', which is not very personal, say 'he felt tears welling up in his eyes' or 'a lump was beginning to form in his throat'. It will make your writing more personal and gripping.
Author's Response: Hi Charli, thank you for the advice, I'll bear that in mind for the future! Glad you liked the story :)
Oh, that's nice! It's simple, but you get your message across effectively.
Author's Response: Thanks, I'm pleased you think so! :)
The story you tell here is charming, but to be blunt, you rather murder all the rules of grammar. If you used more commas or shortened your sentences, or both, your story would be much more readable and this story deserves to be readable.
Also be careful not to use apostrophes in plurals, but only possessives. I'm not sure why you've put apostrophes into words like Minas and Edoras.
Maybe you could consider getting a beta reader to help you make the story more accessible. As it stands the language will put a lot of readers off, even though your plot, structure and characterisation are lovely.
Author's Response: Thank you for your blunt review, I do apprechiate it. As you correctly pointed out, I do not have a beta reader and am at abit of a loss of where to find one, though in the future I might have just another person read over things before I post them. on this site, or anywhere else for that matter. Thank you again, you have definately given me something to think upon.
If you're looking for a beta reader, there's a great site at www.perfectimagination.com It's a site that has a listing of beta readers who have to write a test and are all categorised.
If you can't get that to work out drop me a line and I'd be happy to help!
Author's Response: Wow, that is fantastic! Thank you so much! I will definately check out that site and see if there is anyone who can help me out and if not I might take you up on that offer. Thanks again, I really apprechiate that :)