Have you ever read a story in told in the second person? The "You" point of view. "You walked down the street to buy the morning paper."
As opposed to the more common first and third person point of views "I walked down the street to buy a morning paper." "He walked down the street to buy a morning paper."
Because very little is written in the second person, it's sort of awkward and weird... maybe a little disconcerting... I always find it hard to read and less smooth. Something about it makes is difficult for me to connect with the characters.
That's sort of how I feel about writing in the present tense. Not many do it. Not many can do it and do it well, just like not many can write in the second person and do it well.
Does that make any better sense?
Good for you to being open to suggestion. You'll become a better writer that way!!
This is far far better than the first posting. You actually write really good prose. The opening paragraph is exactly what the reader needs. That being said, write more prose. Just go on rambling about stuff here and there. What the room looks like, the shapes of their bodies, smells, touch. That kind of thing. senses help set the scene. There's a gazillion things you could say. Especially in het romance, women like to know what the man looks like. How he walks, talks, sounds. He's a male, he should act like one.
There's still alot of pronoun verb action sentences, although they're not as glaring as the previous posting. Try looking at things from outside the box. Like this sentence: He anticipates her response.
Instead try saying, He waited anxiously, awaiting her response. or Breathless, he waited for her to respond. or His heart beat a thunderous tatoo in his chest, blood pounding behind eyes and temples, inside his ears, but her response was not what he'd anticipated. Alsela's head snapped up from its place resting in the hollow of his shoulder, blue slanted cat-like eyes huge in disbelief.
Something like that. That tell the reader a ton!
Like I said before, you're going to write this however you want to write this but I personally think this needs to be written in past tense and not present tense. You are technically the storyteller, reiterating the story of these two back to the audience. These events have already happened. It's kind of like reading something told in the second person "you" as opposed to "I" or "He, She, They." It makes the read much less smooth and slightly uncomfortable.
I definately see who's point of view this chapter is coming from, so that's a good thing!
A few puctuation, spelling, capitalization whatevers, but in the grand scheme of things, those are minor. Plot, pacing, description, characterization, prose and dialouge are much more more important. Be aware of it, but don't let the grammer nazis irk you over it.
Keep writing! You'll always keep learning and always keep getting better!
Author's Response: thank you so much for elaborating on that one line. It gave me some good ideas for my other chapters I've already written. but also, could you elaborate on the "you" and "i" or "he,she they" thing, i dont quite get what you were trying to say.
HA! The old hide under the desk bit, huh?! Like a bad 70's porno! I lol'ed so hard!Sometimes, there's nothing more gratifing that watching your man squirm!
I liked some of your action words here. And Gimli, he's so self absorbed sometimes! Oh, and your love scenes are always steamy!!
Author's Response: Thanks. I just couldn't resist. Now if I can only think of Legolas' revenge. Something tells me Rhav won't mind too much though.
Wow! This is so good. You really know these two, understand them and love them. It's tender, yet erotic.
You've got good, believable dialouge, more vivid descriptions thatn you normally seem to wrtie, much more showing than telling here too. These sentences are so simple yet so telling about their relationship and the love Leggy had for Rhav; sort of philsophical:
Those words had more meaning than for the reason they were spoken. No matter what happened or who she was, Legolas would never release her from his love or his life. Whether she was a warrior or a timid elleth, he would love her and that was the most comforting thing Rhavaniel could have ever wanted in her world.
This is the perfect example of showing vs telling. I like how you said she cupped him and then this one too: balls ached and hardened, ready to release.
They're both so passionate... and so naughty!
Author's Response: I feel like these two have earned their place in the spotlight. Their story has been told, they've been through enough. Now it's time for cake and ice cream. (or chocolate, lol) I get to show them the way I have always seen them, even before I wrote Taming. They like to play and tease, but in the end it's a deep affection they have for each other. Respect, comfort and trust is what allows them to be this way. They are an old married couple who are still on their honeymoon. So glad you liked this piece and the ball cupping too, hehe!
This is a really nice little story. I give you credit for finding the time to do challenges when you're working on other projects too! I wish I had the time to write other things.
You're prose here is really good. I get a good sense of the place and location the action happens in; sort of a heavenly or spiritual place. Your scene setting is nice with lots of showing rather than telling.
Again, elves aren't really my thing, but you seem to have a good sense for them. Writing them seems to come very naturally to you. Does that makes sense? It's sort of hard to explain. I can tell you enjoy writing them.
Your Gimli's are always hilarious!
Your stories are always unique. You follow the "formula" (which by the way, we all have to do if we are going to write romance. It's just part of the deal), but you're not afraid to think outside the box or break the rules. Your stories alway have a "hitch" and i like it!
Author's Response: This project was a fun little get away from my other epic. Yes, I do love elves as well as muscular men, but I like to get back to the magic every once in a while. I like the challenge of writing an original female who is not a marysue or obnoxious. And I love Gimli and his gruffness ( not sure if that's a word ). Thanks for reading this. I know elves aren't your thing but I hope that mine are not what you expect them to be.
Hello, and good for you putting yourself out there. This is the perfect place to try your hand at writing fiction. Writing is a hard frustrating business sometimes, and it's nice sometimes to work in someone else's world while learning how to write a romance.
This chapter is short, sweet and too the point. At a prolouge should be. Interesting begining, and surely, an interesting idea. One that I haven't seen before.
You seem to know where this story is going, so I won't bore you with story critique. New perspectives on old stories are the best and that's why this one intrigued me.
Now, that being said, you did politely ask for some constructive help, and I will politely make some suggestion. sometimes as the writer, we lose perspective of our stories and characters, so it's a good thing to have someone with a different eye look at your stuff. it will make you think.
My disclaimer is always, take what you will from my advice. This is your story, your voice, you do what you will. But if you're an asipring novelist, just think about what others suggest. Doesn't mean you have to do it. I've made alot of mistakes in my own story and my early stuff is horrible. You'll have that. And my intention is not to discourage you, but to encourage you by making youlook at things differently.
You have alot of information in a small amount of words. That can be a good thing in some cases. In this case though, I might suggest introducing every one slower. You do alot of telling, but not so much showing. There's that whole paragraph in the begining where you're telling us who is fist born who is second and so on. You can do that but in a slower showing way. Maybe something like--Erudessa scanned the stables over the back of her horse, listening to the wuffling and stamping of the other horses, and spotted her eldest sister, Arquenniel, properly gowned for riding and perched erect atop her horse in the elegant side saddle fashion, the perfect picture of lady-dom. Arquenniel's straight sharply angled nose tilted up slightly. Go figure, her sister always had her nose in the air about something, but Erudessa loved her anyway. She glanced down at her own riding habit, wondering as she did so, if there was anything worse that riding a horse in a gown. Yes, there was. Balls, dancing and boys.
That shows us alot about both E and he sister. How they look, act, think.
Your dialouge is dialouge. Better than 100000 words of nothing but prose. Real believable dialouge is hard to write. It might help to listen to audiobooks to see how writing speech needs to flow. In anycase, the more you write the better your feel and sense of dialouge will flow. Especially when you get to know your characters a little better. Then they tell you what to say. It might be your age or maybe just inexperience that makes the dialouge...less natural. Ask yourself if people really say this stuff. Anyway, the more you write the better you will sound, the more your voice will develop.
Not sure about the accuracy for Aragorn's horse's name. But whatever, minor detail. Those who claim to be canonites are boring and have no imagination.
The other thing I might want to see is a bold opening. Capture me, suck me in with the first words, the first sentence, spur me on to reading the next paragraph the next page the next chapter. Maybe something like-- Being the sixteen year old daughter of the king and queen onf Gondor had its advantages (list advantages). If it had its advantages, it also had its disadvantages.
The opening line should make me ask myself a question.
I always do make suggestions (alway suggest, never criticize)with some reservation. I dont' think you are a bad writer. Not at all, infact, quite to opposite, with practice, experience, and perspective, I think you will be a fantastic writer. Your words are clear and the flow in the reading. Not choppy and jerky as so many inexperience writers are. The thing that's sort of hardest to remember is that you are a storyteller. You're telling a story, Entertain me!!!!! Don't just march barbie and ken around the stage like toy soldiers. Make me laugh, cry, get turned on. Engage my senses, smell, taste, sight, touch, hear. Ask yourself what is going on around these people in addition to their interaction. Paint a picute with words.
If you've never read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, it is an absolute must for any writer. You will learn soo much from reading her books. Check out her website and she gives tips for writers.
Frankly, I think you're doing very well for your fist go around, so don't stop writing!!!!! You'll always regret it!!
Hello! I see you are a new member here, so welcome! I will make one suggestion. YOu don't seem to have much if any punctuation. It makes it difficult to read or makes me not want to continue reading. I'm not a grammer nazi by any means, but it is necessary or it makes the story and sentences confusing. Good for you, though, for putting yourself out there and getting out of your comfort zone!
Author's Response: thank you, ill fix it asap i was in a hurry writing it :)
Ha! Too funny!
Now complete. Autheil is the daughter of an elvish king, Master assassin and skilled thief, destined to save her race from sauron's ever firm grip. Only the princess of thieves has plans of her own, Involving lord Elrond's son Elladan and her childhood friend.The more she falls for him, the more she begins to realise it is impossible to escape fate, and fate has a nasty taste of revenge for those who try and escape.
Hey! So I read both of these chapters since I saw in the Most Recent box the word assassin! lol. I think the first chapter, although short, as a wonderful hook. Sort of got be interested to read on. You've got tension there. What's going to happen!! You did it in very few words, which is hard to do, but my mind asks all kinds of questions, which is what a good hook is supposed to do. REally, we didn't need any more description than what you've already given us.
YOu seem to do a good job choosing the right descriptive words. Description is a tricky business. Some writers, like Diana Gabaldon or GRR Martin, do a lot of description with great detail. They paint a picture with words. They are the Michangelos of writing. Others, like Hemmingway leave alot to the imagination. More like Piccaso. You see what you want to see. There's no right or wrong--no pun intended--and I acutally envy those who can convey so much in so few words. I bet you are a very good poet!
You're peeking out curiosity in this chapter. Spoon feeding us bit by bit, making us ask questions and building tension. You seem to have a natural sense for tension. Tension can be a hard thing for beginning writers to grasp, trust me! lol
Now, all that being said, I would suggest paying more attention to your paragraph structure. Running all that dialouge into one paragraph is diffucult to read. I had a hard time following who was saying what. Also, watch your use of possession. The whole 's thing. Nouns like orc possess things. The orc's blanket. Or the plural possessive would be something like-- The orcs' food Don't confuse it with plural or multiples. There were many orcs at the party. Verbs like blame, like, settle are actions. They don't possess objects.
I'm no grammar nazi, believe me, just things that i noticed.
Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank you, try will try to improve as i carry on writing :)