Reviews For Untitled
You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: xFanarix Signed [Report This]
Date: 14/12/07 - 09:27 am Title: Chapter 2

I still say, first, that I do like your style of writing, smooth and easy to read. I think the timeline is a bit dodgy, if you consider how long it takes Elves, and probably half elves to mature. If she is also Beren's daughter, she would have to be born after 468,[ The Hunting of the Wolf and Beren and Lúthien's return from death were in 467 ] and the Nirnaeth Arnoediad was in 471. Hurin was captured there and held by Morgoth for 28 years while the curse Morgoth laid on his family unravelled. If you have Acacia as Beren and Luthien's daughter she would be 3 at the most, unless she's some-one else's daughter, born earlier, but to tear apart the story of Beren and Luthien like that would be really...well, handle with kid gloves! The Dagor Nirnaeth, despite it being an overwhelming defeat for the Eldar, was planned by Maedhros and Fingon, as well as the other Noldor. It was supposed to be a great victory, and Hurin went off to it in high hopes. He also would never have been angry with the Elf Lords, he loved them. The Noldor and the Edain were marching on Morgoth and thought they would win. It sounds here as if Hurin did not know anything about it, and he would have, indeed the men of the House of Hador were prepared. '' Then why is no army being called? Why are there not more being requested? '' There was one ready, and they all marched out - not one came back.

I assume you have read UT and Children of Hurin, which deals more with Hurin and Turin and the aftermath of the Dagor Nirnaeth. In this, Morwen is coming across as rather a weak, cuddly character. Morwen was proud, and stern, that shows all through the tale of Turin, she never showed weakness, except perhaps when she was alone. She may have been '' kind and caring '' inside, but she hid that behind a personality of pure steel, she is [ along with Haleth ] Tolkien's strongest female character in sheer strength of will.
I think the idea of a daughter of Luthien is interesting, if handled very, very carefully, since people who love the Silm are usually passionate about not upsetting canon too much. ( You won't get flamed on here, as it's a site violation, and I think that's a good rule, flames are rude and pointless and never constructive, but you will get Silmarillion lovers pointing out things which don't fit canon, even if it is AU. ) And unless Acacia is say the daughter of Luthien and Daeron ( who loved her ) I think her age presents a problem, I don't see how she can be Beren's with the time-line, unless she was a toddler, which she's clearly not. So we have to assume she's some-one else's? And then there is the whole story of why Luthien would have abandoned her. If Acacia was born in Doriath of a love affair [ going by AU not canon, as to Elves sex = marriage ], Melian would have looked after her, if for some reason Luthien didn't want to. ( And I can't see that ) If she was born later, in Tol Galen and was Beren's daughter, she would have been safe there until Beren and Luthien died. Even the son's of Fëanor did not assault Lúthien while she lived. In any case a daughter would probably have gone to Doriath at some point. We really need to know why a cherished baby of Lúthien would be abandoned where she was. I certainly want to.

The idea of her living with Morwen and Hurin is intriguing. Morwen had dreadfully hard times after the battle, when the Men who served Morgoth invaded, and as we know, eventually Turin was sent to Doriath. It's a tragic, and quite intricate time to write of. You've got two of the greatest stories of the Sil coming together and that involves a lot of checking dates and reading to make it sound realistic. At the moment there are only questions, but it is only the first chapter, and you may have already worked them out. Luthien was still alive, but she was not, then, in Doriath, she was in Tol Galen. Does Acacia end up going to Doriath with Turin? If she did, Melian would know who she was. Or does she end up somewhere else? It's potentially a wonderful subject to write of, but deserves to stay as close to canon as possible, since the Silmarilion is the foundation stone of Elvish and Mannish History and should be cleaved, to insofar as you can. Again, I like your writing and I think there's enormous potential in you and the story. I only go through these questions because it does interest me, and I want to see you write in all the answers and come up with a really excellent story, which I think you can. I wouldn't bother otherwise. The thought of tackling it myself gives me a bad head, frankly, so you deserve praise. Both views could work Modern day, or preferably, Middle-earth, since I definitely think Acacia would be too much for our era, but we need a good story of why Lúthien would let a child be abandoned in the wilderness. I also do not think she would be fair, actually, Lúthien was dark, most Elves were save the Vanyar, Thingol was silver haired, yes, so silver haired I would buy.
Acacia does not sound good as a name, I have to say. http://www.realelvish.net/ does have name lists which make stories sound far more believable.
Good luck! Look forward to the next chapter. I really would not bother with this enormous review if I thought you weren't capable of turning out a truly great tale. You're too talented to be allowed to fall into the Mary Sue - canon slaughtering pit. This might be AU, but it can be good AU. d;-)

Reviewer: xFanarix Signed [Report This]
Date: 30/11/07 - 08:39 pm Title: Chapter 1

Oh I see now, apologies, I read the part about her being Lúthien's daughter. Now of course, yes, she is going to be beautiful - remember how beautiful Dior was? In fact she is going to stick out like a beacon on a black night in this age! No matter how the films portray Elves, they were unearthly beautiful compared to Mortal's, probably unimaginably so, to us. She would be more stunnning than the most beautiful supermodel, and probably would look - to us - like some sort of angel, inhuman, in fact. This story would be potentially excellent if it was not based in this age, where Lúthien's daughter would simply not fit in at all. She would make Liv Tyler look like a hag. [ And if her adopted parents had any sense she would not be in school but would have been modeling for about 3 years already and earning pots of money. ]
As I said I am only responding, because I like your writing, love the Elder days and want to see more writing set then. You have every right, being who she is, to stress her magnificence, in fact you've probably flown way under the envelope, since she would be indescribable, really. She just does not fit in with the modern age, though, it's a pity to put her here, really. She belongs in Beleriand or in Aman. She's too much for this later and greyer age.
I like the character of Lúthien, because she was not just '' beauty '' courage and wisdom and loyalty and love were all in her personality. I think her daughter would be the same. this could be a very interesting piece of work, if only she was not '' here ''. If she has to start here, you have under-rated her incandescent looks actually. [ There is a time for verbosity about beauty and Lúthien is a case in point, and of course, if she had had a daughter ditto ] But to make it work and not for people to think - oh *another * gorgeous, flawless Mary Sue, I think you could have '' flashbacks '' to Doriath, or her parents and then readers will know why this girl is so '' perfect '' and not dismiss her. No sane person hates Lúthien, it's '' fact '' that she was the fairest of all the Children of the World, and we accept that.
Just an idea, but it would intrigue people, me certainly.

Reviewer: Ria Signed [Report This]
Date: 30/11/07 - 06:17 pm Title: Chapter 1

I have to agree with xFanarix that Acacia is shown in this first chapter as extreeemly perfect. I personally would rather read about the real agonies of being a teenager, or what she's thinking about, rather than her hair color and texture. That said, your writing is smooth and clear and you've worked her visions in very well.

Reviewer: xFanarix Signed [Report This]
Date: 30/11/07 - 04:09 pm Title: Chapter 1

You write well, I like your style. I like the story you began of Eol. I usually do not read stories set now that end up in Middle-earth. Not my cup of tea, though I did write one, and it trawled from Dagor Bragollach to the War of the Ring. Pretty much a self insert which I am now ashamed of. However: people can write much better than me and make these stories work and you do write well! Please avoid the Mary Sue-self/ insert trap. The long descriptions of the girls looks remind me of MS stories, except again, you write much better, but there is an awful lot of it, beauty brains, wonderful character, - great singing voice? - all these qualities. Characters with flaws actually give us readers something to connect with. Few will like a gorgeous, brainy, slim, girl who seems to have no faults at all. I understand that you are setting the stage with her, and that you are drawing her in this chapter. We all do that, as it also helps our own vision of our characters, and they come alive as we write them. Since you have a good, fluid style, all I can beg you - on bended knees! - is not to make this character a Mary Sue, but a good, strong believable, likeable young woman. I strongly think you can. It's possibly that she is just coming across as too perfect as you have set her in a very mundane place; school. No place is more horribly mundane except perhaps a public toilet. In Beleriand she would just fit right in! d;-)
You asked for a review, so I hope this is a constructive one. I only bother, if I see great potential, and do not want it Sue-d d;-)

Author's Response: Wow. I read both of your reviews and I just cannot thank you enough. It was so hard to try and think of a beginning of some sort, (and I have to admit I was a bit caught up in my own life, so I just tied it in >_<;) and well, this is what came out. Now you do have me thinking about whether I should change the setting of the beginning and instead of trying to work out the kinks of some strange sci fi story where time and demensional travel is possible (she is suppose to end up in Middle Earth again one way or another), I could just keep it in one world and leave it at that. But then a small part of my mind keeps telling me that I want her to be completely new to everything, like an Alice in Wonderland type effect. Where in Arda could be a place where there was no stories about the old ages or about anything she might actually know? Another part of my reasoning was that she could have her parents in her memory, but somehow recieved memory loss and doesn't remember who she is. Kind of cheesy, now that I think about it, but hey, for a first book, I kind of wanted to go a somewhat easy route. xDrnI agree with her need to stick out a bit more and be a little less flawless, but I was coming from that same aspect; as compared to all of us of today's age, she would be flawless. Now that I look back through it, I do pull off a Mary Sue character a little too strongly, that will be fixed asap. This is a weak attempt at a small book rather than a short story, and for me switching from small to large is a bit hard; a lot of detail that I seem to be lacking. rnOnce again, thanks for the advice and the compliments about my writing and hopefully I'll have an edited version if not even more up soon. :D

Reviewer: Nazgrrl Signed [Report This]
Date: 30/11/07 - 03:59 pm Title: Chapter 1

hmmmm. I wonder where this is going?

You must login (register) to review.