Have been resurrected. Have been allowed back in Imladris on condition I become vegetarian. Not pleased! Have been placed in irritatingly high walled garden at back of Rivendell. It is used for archery training. Am to sleep in archery shed with two bows and many arrows and remain confined in garden until have both finished practical course in vegetarianism (do not know how long this is) and have repented and vowed never again to eat meat. Will be banished under pain of death if break my vow. Not pleased at all!
Have stern supervisor named Golraldir who is to teach me to cook vegetarian food.
Have eaten Golraldir with the plum sauce and steamed broccoli he made for me.
Elrond not pleased. Golraldir was apparently his chief advisor. Erestor should be pleased with automatic promotion. Perhaps will get Erestor as next supervisor.
Boo! Erestor is new supervisor indeed, but he will not make contact with me. He threw a vegetarian recipe book over the wall onto the shed this morning (woke me up). It contained a note: Use this. Eat Lindir or Melpomaen when you come out and I WILL kill you. Did not know Melpomaen had been resurrected. Maybe will have better luck eating him this time. Lindir too, the little s**t! Must catch raven on wall.
Boiled brown lentils today. Drained lentils, mashed them up, and shaped them into a liver. Did not taste the same. Was ill. Made Erestor target from straw and shot him eighty-eight times. Shot at raven. Missed.
More lentils today. Was sick again. Lettuces in nicest vomit patch looking sick too. No raven. Will not eat lettuces.
Snails taste much better than beetroot. Forgot to dry saucepan before adding oil. Got burnt. Ate sixteen snails with onions and butter (am not even allowed butter!). Raven back. Dodged arrow.
Out of snails. Tried slugs. Taste even better with chilli. Raven dodged arrow again.
Out of slugs. Did not eat. Raven dodged arrow again - very skilled raven. Trained, perhaps? Threw recipe book after arrow. Raven dodged that too. Hungry.
Caught raven. Yay! Ate raven with cannelloni beans and stewed tomatoes. Shot Erestor model ninety-three times.
Woke up to rain... inside the shed. Roof gone. Not pleased at all! Did not eat. No book anyway. Shot Erestor model one hundred and forty-three times... in groin region. Cold and wet. Also angry. Still hungry.
Still raining. Still no roof. Still cold and wet. Still hungry. Book woke me at dawn - it hit me on the head. Hate Erestor's aim. Dropped frying pan on foot. Set tea cloth on fire. Ate cabbage. Hate cabbage. Liked beetle in it. Crunchy. Foot hurts.
Still raining. Hate rain. Still no roof. Still cold and wet. Still hungry. Feel abused. Foot still hurts. Ate more cabbage in hope of finding another beetle. No beetle. Disappointed.
Same as yesterday. Really hate rain. Hate Erestor too.
Found slug. Ate slug. Rain stopped - yay!
Cat on wall. Hate taste of cat-meat, but am hungry. Shouted: "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..." Cat no longer on wall. Cat in stomach. A little happy.
Bed gone. Not pleased at all. Wonder if did something wrong. Hungry.
Still hungry. Baked pumpkin pie. Ate pumpkin pie. Threw up. Lettuces now orange.
Floor is so hard. Why is bed gone? Ate peanut butter sandwich. Gross.
Rain again. Erestor is a callous sadist. Roof gone, bed gone. Ate radish. Was violently sick. Radishes almost as bad as orcs.
Pea soup okay. Still raining. Still cold and wet.
Potato and leek soup okay too. Nasty bowel action, though. Lettuces look unspeakable.
Cornmeal. Yuck. Rain stopped - yay!
Passed over lettuce recipes. Ate cauliflower chilli bake with fava beans. Okay.
Zucchinis stuffed with roast vegetables. Am good at roasts so very easy. Tasted okay. Roof and bed still gone. Were they needed elsewhere, perhaps? Hope Imladris okay.
Like seaweed with sesame and vinegar. Good - very good. Should try harvesting seaweed in Gulf of Lune when get out... if get out. Hate this place.
Boysenberry soy ice cream is excellent. Will try more desserts.
Sago pudding good too. Maybe could live on desserts?
Rain again. Tried almond jelly. Thought thickener came from animals, but book says comes from seaweed. Plants useful sometimes. Wish plant canopy would replace absent roof. Cold and wet.
More rain. Rice and coconut pudding. Very good.
Still raining. Wonder how long will be without roof and bed. Not hungry. Feel down.
Still raining. Not hungry, but tried passing snail anyway. Did not taste nice. Spat it out. Tired. Lettuces look better. Still feel down.
More rain. Ate half of apple. Was not hungry for other half.
So tired. So bored. Not hungry.
Still not hungry.
Still not hungry.
Still not hungry.
Still not hungry. Have lost weight. Why is bed still gone?
Still not hungry.
Stopped raining. So tired.
Elrond in shed with me. He is fatter than before that elfling shot me and staved in my head. Made me drink sweet tasting liquid. Told me to eat. Then he left. Bed and roof back. Good. Have discovered reason for feeling down - am lonely.
Slept. Still not hungry. Want to get out of here. Will try good behaviour.
Ate a pea.
Hedgehog on wall. Why is there a hedgehog on the wall? Cannot understand it. Too tired to catch and pluck it. Too small a hedgehog to bother, anyway. Left it. Ate borlotti bean stew instead. Okay.
Bored. Hedgehog still on wall. Ate stir-fry vegetables. Bland.
Hedgehog still there. Looks happy despite odd habitat. Ate potato and lentil bake.
Ate pumpkin and potato pudding. Tasted good! Waved at hedgehog. Am sure it smiled. Friendly hedgehog. Did not know hedgehogs could be friendly. Am beginning to understand why people keep animal companions... aside from emergency food supply.
Hedgehog gone. Ate pear and soy pudding. Shot Erestor forty times in each eye.
New cat on wall. Struck me that no non-flying animals should be able to scale that wall on their own. It is too high. So what is it with hedgehog and cat? Ate vegetable curry.
Cat still on wall. It meowed at me. Ate chilli con carne.
Woke up to find cat in bed, kneading my chest. Cat claws are sharp. Breath stinks too. Teeth too sharp. What if it eats me? Do not like cats. Threw cat over wall. Am sure Erestor is responsible for it. Ate porridge.
No cat on wall. Good. Vanilla soy ice cream. Yum.
Nothing on wall. Good. Ate lentil... something. Whatever. It tasted good.
Elfling on wall... what the...? It is Lindir. Why is Lindir on the wall? Why has Erestor put him there? Ate mushroom and eggplant bake. Lindir read the laws of Imladris to me. Murder has been brought forward since I last read it. Wonder if I had anything to do with that change.
Lindir on wall again. He ate a liver and egg sandwich and threw me another one. Sly elfling. Threw sandwich over the wall. Liver looked suspiciously like chopped elf liver. Ate asparagus on toast with oil. Okay.
Lindir in garden. IN garden! He gave me a piece of butterscotch. According to the recipe book, butterscotch is a no-no. It has butter and cream in it. Threw it over the wall. He gave me a peanut butter and jam sandwich without butter and a peanut butter and banana and honey sandwich without butter. Ate both. Very good.
Lindir in garden again. Asked me what I thought of vegetarianism. I said it was wonderful as want to get out. He asked me again what I thought of vegetarianism and asked me to be truthful. I said it was okay and that I would probably stick to a vegetarianism vow. He is a smart child.
Lindir asked for lesson in archery. Gave it to him in spite of intimate knowledge of his good shooting skills. He gave me a tofu pumpkin pie afterwards. Ate pie. Very yummy! He ate a meat pie. Oddly enough, quite like Lindir. He is friendly. Do wonder why Erestor let him in here with me. Odd uncle, if you ask me. Nice to feel trusted, though.
Erestor finally came today. So did Lindir. And Elrond. And Golraldir (that was quick!). Made vegetarianism vow. Do mean it. Vegetables and fruit and grains not so bad. Quite delicious, some of them. Elves and animals sometimes better for things other than eating. Like companionship. Orcs perhaps exempt, but orcs taste far worse than radishes. Will stick to vow for now. Feel good.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sequel to Stuffed Glorfindel. Written in response to tuxedo_elf's challenge on LiveJournal: "Glorfindel the cannibalistic taxidermist repents and goes veggie.". Rated for cannibalism and cruel(?) treatment of Glorfindel.